Your Wings ARE Real!

Family Matters

2011-11-29T19:23:00.013-05:00

Wow. It's been since April since I wrote in this blog. Thanksgiving always brings out the introspective in me, for obvious reasons, so here I go....

Thanksgiving always makes me think of my dad. We used to have the best holidays. He would rent a large house, or two smaller houses side-by-side, at a resort, usually half way for those of us living in DC, and for him, living in Pittsburgh. When we first started these holidays, he was with Joan, his longtime girlfriend. When we had our last one, he was with his soon-to-be-wife, Nancy. We would only be there for two or three days, but oh, those days seemed to stretch out forever (in a good way!): lounging about, playing Pictionary while waiting for the turkey to cook; or going for long aimless hikes through the woods to whet our appetites.

Thanksgivings are different now: some of us are on the other side of the country, some of us are gone forever. True, Dad gave us a tough act to follow, but I think we're doing ok.

I'm happy we have my mom so closeby, in Shepherdstown. And Matt has his dad in DC. We managed to have Thanksgiving with them both on separate days. With Jack, a lovely, intimate dinner at the lovely Rosemary's house on Capitol Hill. With mom, a dinner with all the favorites, and the happy addition of Dan and our dear friend Charles.

I suppose I'm occasionally jealous of hearing about others' Thanksgivings where generations of families gather: babies with great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.... sometimes just getting immediate family together is like pulling teeth. By choice, or through circumstance, not everyone can always gather together!

I am so grateful for the family that I was born with. There is so much love here. Phoebe and Jonathan, my mom and Dan, extend that love in new directions. I know my mom, my two girls, and my husband, will be here for me for as long as they live. Likewise, I would walk through fire for any of them.

Then there are the family members we choose. They are no less important, and I feel every bit as loyal to them, as I do my blood relatives.

Of course, there are Angela and Russell. I can't imagine life without them. They are definitely part of our family. I hesitate to say they're like our brother and sister; it's not quite right. They are some kind of new family member that hasn't been given a name yet. Being with them seems so natural. I never have to worry about what to say to them, or how to act. When I plan something fun, one of my first thoughts is to see if they can come too, and feeling disappointment if they can't.

And we have Charles. I suppose if I had to assign him a family relation, it would be an uncle. I first met Charles at Coolfont (a resort now gone out of business) in the sauna. That was 10 years ago, so he was just 60 then but there he was, in his Speedo. I knew right away that he was going to be my friend. We've spent time with him in Nova Scotia where he hosted us for a week, and we invite him to almost every event worth going to. He attends all of Willa's school events (which is more than I can say for some of her "real" family!).

There are other family members we've chosen: there is Lindy, with whom we've been through so much: her husband Leslie's death, Matt's firing. Many of my Fairie Festival co-horts are very much family: I consider Lynne Jones, my morel-bunny-chardonnay-loving friend, to be a sister. Rob and Lucy Wood of Spoutwood Farm are not quite parents, perhaps god-parents; Anne Johnson, who, strangely enough, I met first at a Berkeley Springs Water Festival, is now my Mountain Tribe sister. And Posie, Melissa, Karen, are all like my fun girl cousins. Fairie Festival is always like a gigantic family reunion.... I can think of many others, particularly those who live right here in our town, that I would consider family. And people who, although we may only see them occasionally, as soon as we do, the kinship clicks in automatically. They are family.

I guess what I'm expressing is that while I am so grateful for the family I was born with, I am just as grateful for those that I've chosen, and that have chosen me. To be a member of this family called community is what life is all about. Sometimes this family is dysfunctional; sometimes other people don't understand why we put up with each other given that there is no blood to bind us. When living in a world where things can change with a phone call, or even a text message, it's good to know these people are in my corner!

So long! So long.

2011-04-02T09:38:00.003-04:00

So I haven't posted since last June, when I was spending the weekend in the Hudson Valley with Phoebe and Jonathan as they moved into their new place. Whew! I guess I've been busy. My blogging bug is being more than satisfied at the Hahn and Nelson blog. I think I'll put this blog on official hiatus for at least a little while, at least until the summer when I *might* have more time to post. Facebook and Twitter make this a bit redundant, unless I need somewhere to extensively spill my guts anyway.... so have a good Spring everyone!

High on the Hudson

2010-06-12T10:29:00.019-04:00

There is nothing, to a parent, more immensely satisfying than knowing that your children, especially your adult children, are happy. I'm as happy as the next parent when Phoebe notches another accomplishment in her belt - a new dance company, a great bonus at her yoga studio, another yoga certification, a glowing recommendation from a client -- but nothing makes me more glad than when I hear that smile in her voice, or when I see how she's living her life.

When Willa is having problems and seems not so happy, I realize, now that I have an adult child, that this is temporary. I remember lots of ups and downs when Phoebe was growing up 17 years ago, and worrying and worrying that she'd never be happy! Would she be able to sustain a relationship with a partner, after what her dad and I had been through? Would she be satisfied with her life as a dancer?

Now, when I see her going through her life as a thirty-something with the confidence that she has, I realize, no matter what happens, she will have a happy heart. A happy heart can have sad and bad things happen to it but as long as that confidence that the world is a good place (mostly) is instilled, calmness can prevail. Sure, she gets stressed out a bit, like this weekend as she and Jonathan pack up the last boxes for their move out of the city. But she always seems to be looking forward.

Now she and Jonathan are settling into a new life, up here in Newburgh NY. As I look out their living room window, I see a bridge, busy cars crossing over each way. Through another pane, across the river, I see the train track that will take them back into the city when they need to get there for their work. But right in front of me are beautiful big old trees that have to be at least 100 years old. It's like living in a treehouse, a big Victorian tree house! My grand pup Newkie is quite happily bouncing his rubber ball over the shiny old hardwood floors and my grand kitty Dewie is exploring the corners of each room, sniffing mostly appreciatively all the ancient odors that only a cat can smell. I woke up to the sound of birds singing this morning, instead of the clanking of trash cans, or people yelling in the streets (not that I didn't love that -- I love waking up to the sounds of the city, too!)

I'm thankful that Phoebe and Jonathan are making this move. For one thing, it represents a trust that their decisions are good. How many people suffer from the inertia that if they do something different, bad things will happen? And P&J are not even leaving because things were bad --- they actually have a nice little life there, with lots of friends, good work (which they will continue from their new home, BTW), great restaurants and entertainment. They're moving because they believe it will make their lives better.

I certainly can't take full credit for how things turned out. She and Jonathan were so lucky to find each other so early in life. They've been able to share so much through their young adulthood that will serve them well as they mature, and they've been so good for each other. Both being artists gives them a respect and an understanding of each other. Phoebe had good mentors growing up. Her work-study at Joy of Motion gave her an idea of how dancers lived, I think. Growing up in the DC area, in fact, was a great proving ground for her future life in NY. I think that learning to navigate the city using the Metro and bus network was just as empowering as mastering some of her dance classes. I'm frequently fretting that Willa won't have that experience as a city-dweller.

So I'm a happy mom today. Yes, it's raining, but I'm up in this wonderful garret apartment, looking down on the trees. I think of something my mom said a long time ago -- When she dies, she wants to come back as a tree so she can grow up and watch all her little trees grow up beside her forever. That would be nice.

PS Pictures of Newburgh are on my Facebook, and there are some nice websites, too. Since writing this post, I also had the opportunity to visit Storm King, an amazing art park within 15 minutes of where P&J are now living.

Nancy

2010-05-20T23:09:00.011-04:00

It's this time of year that I think about Nancy, my dad's 4th (and last!) wife. Nancy was a believer. She believed in my dad, in love, in his band, second chances, and luck. Maybe it was because my dad was more settled by the time he met her, but I always sensed a peace about him that I never had felt before, once they were a couple. They were together for just a few years before we got the bad news that he had lung cancer in 1994. The way they handled his illness was so graceful. Nancy managed to make us feel welcome and loved while we visited while at the same time, she protected my dad from becoming too tired or overwhelmed.

One thing sticks in my mind about this time. There was a goose couple that always visited Dad and Nancy's pond every year, and every year, they hatched a few goslings and hung around most of the summer while the goslings got big enough to fly away in time for the autumn. Well, that spring that my dad got sick, one of the goslings born that year had something wrong with it. I think one of its wings was deformed and it couldn't fly. Dad kept saying that someone should put it out of its misery because a fox was going to kill it anyway. I couldn't help thinking that he was relating to that little gosling. That fall, all the geese left except for the little lame gosling. Nancy kept an eye out for it, and always fed it some special food. Shortly after my dad died in December, the gosling disappeared. Nancy went out driving around looking for it, thinking he had found his way to another lake or pond but she never found him.

My dad died in his sleep in his bed, with Nancy beside him. She said she had sung him to sleep, and when she looked over at him, his hands were folded in prayer. I'm so glad that, although I wasn't able to be there, my daughter Phoebe was able to be there the night he passed away. We had a beautiful ceremony the next week, the Band playing outside despite the cold December weather. We all said something beautiful about my dad and laid white roses under the little Harry Lauder Walking Stick tree that he loved so much.

It took us all awhile to grieve. Dad was the first person I've ever lost; it hit me hard. I had a new little baby, and there was some post-partum stuff going on too. Nancy always stayed really close, making any excuse to come and visit, or inviting us up to visit her. It felt good to be back in the house, looking out at the pond, or visiting the little tree that my dad loved so much.

In 1997, we all took a trip together to the Yorkshire Dales, where my dad had spent most of his summers. I had visited there with him in 1985, and going back there felt like a reunion. Nancy, Matt, little 2-1/2 year old Willa and I visited all his favorite places; the pubs, the walks through the Dales, and we even went to hear one of his friend's brass bands play one evening.

That next spring, I got a call from Nancy that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Not just any breast cancer, but inflammatory breast cancer, a particularly virulent form of the disease. I couldn't believe it, but in some ways I could. A few nights later I had a dream where my dad appeared and told me that I had to help Nancy find her way. I didn't want to ask him the way to where --- I thought he must be asking me to help her find her way to him. But I didn't want to lose her! In May of 1998, just 4 years after my dad had been diagnosed, Willa and I went to Pittsburgh to take care of Nancy following her mastectomy. The next 2 years were a roller coaster: chemotherapy followed by weeks of illness, but then many good weeks as well. I remember Nancy, Willa and me going to Philadelphia to see Phoebe's dance performance at the University of the Arts. We all slept at Phoebe's apartment -- I still have the flip bed that she brought along to sleep on. She visited us often in York where we were living, going along to the playground to push Willa on the swings. I remember when her hair fell out, and how she hated wearing her wig-- she often just took it right off! Willa and I spent a wonderful Christmas with her in 1999. We went to see "Stuart Little" and had Chinese food on Christmas day....

Then all of a sudden, in April 2000, I didn't hear anything from her at all. I was busy as usual this time of year, preparing for the May Day Fairie Festival. And it wasn't unusual to go without hearing from Nancy - she was pretty busy herself. Despite fighting this awful cancer, she was still very involved with the River City Brass Band. But for some reason, at the close of the Festival that first Saturday in May, I decided to call my home's voice mail service before going home. There was a terrible message waiting for me (I can't even remember who it was from) that Nancy was in the hospital. We left right from the Festival and drove straight to Pittsburgh.

I ended up spending most of the month with Nancy -- first at the hospital as they tried to stabilize her, and then at her home. This time was so precious, I can't even describe it. First of all, I felt that I was making up for not being able to spend my dad's last days with him (Willa was born just 5 days before he died). Second, I wanted to give back to Nancy what she did for my dad when he was sick. But most of all, I just loved her so much. I tried to cook for her, took care of her birds, cleaned her house, paid her bills, fluffed her pillows, and read to her. I even wrote a little manual "Taking Care of Nancy" for the other care givers who would be coming at the end of the month when I had to leave for Matt's graduation and our move to Berkeley Springs. Willa was with me -- she would often just sit on the end of Nancy's bed, making her laugh. I remember being so proud of my little girl.

One afternoon just before I had to leave, a little fawn showed up in Nancy's backyard. He looked very lost, wandering around the house, poking in the garden that my dad had loved and cared for so much. He didn't seem afraid of us at all, just a bit confused and lonely.

I left Nancy in the care of some dear old friends while I went back to York to see my husband graduate from his residency, and pack up our house for our move to Berkeley Springs. On June 3, he graduated, and I left that afternoon to go back to Pittsburgh for a few days. I stopped at the Sheetz in Breezewood, got a sandwich, and decided to call Nancy's house to see how things were going. I got the news that she had died just a few hours ago. She had died as the hospice nurse was attempting to move her from her bed to a hospital bed they'd ordered so she could sit up and breath a bit better. This made sense to me - she had always told me that she wanted to die in that same bed that my dad had spent his last night in.

A week later, we had a beautiful memorial for Nancy. June 10 would've been Dad and Nancy's 10th anniversary. We drank a toast to the two of them.

I still can't help but think of my dad and Nancy when I see two geese together. Or when I see a fawn, I think of that little fawn in Nancy's yard. June 3 is coming up, and I usually try to plant something in honor of her. This year, I'm buying some native plants for my wildflower meadow. I know that she lives on in my love of flowers and plants (and my dad, as well).

Wow.

2010-05-15T15:23:00.007-04:00

It's been a long time.

We've had our practice open for almost a year, as of July 6. We have registered approximately 1,800 patients in just that short time, many of them Matt's old patients from That Place. When you have an elderly woman in your office weeping tears of joy that her doctor has come back, you know you've done the right thing. Just as rewarding are all the families registering, familiar siblings along with the new babies of the family.

My life as practice manager is not exactly glamorous. My job is to file claims, post payments, pay the bills, manage the nurses (although Lindy and Robin make this completely easy -- they are the BEST!), and the other miscellaneous chores. Doesn't sound too bad, right? Mostly it's not. But most of my time is spent trying to figure out why claims aren't being paid. I have a folder thick with unpaid claims dating back to November! Each of those unpaid claims translates to an average of 30 minutes on the phone, mostly on hold. There must be a better way. We have a blog that I actually post to more often than this one if you want to follow us. Or join our Facebook page!

Willa is thriving at the Barbara Ingram School for the Arts. Her freshman year is almost over. This wasn't just her first year, but the school's first year as well -- she will be part of the first full graduating class in 2013. She's met lots of interesting students and the teachers and administration seem dedicated to the students' well-being as much as their education. The academics have been very challenging: they are all taught at the Honors level. In order to fit everything into the 9:30-4:30 day, a few of the classes are condensed so that, instead of being taught for 45 minutes every day for the entire school year, they're taught 90 minutes a day for just half the year. Or, in the case of algebra II, 45 minutes every day for the entire year. Only problem is, since the class is taught across the street at the University, it's not always 45 minutes. Anyway, this school is not only teaching Willa and the others academics and arts, it's also teaching them how to manage their time, and how to deal with challenges. This summer she'll be interning at the Contemporary American Theater Festival in Shepherdstown where I'm sure her world will be even more enlarged.

My Phoebe is moving to Newburgh NY this June! She and Jonathan decided that their lives would be less stressful and hectic if they moved out of the city. They found a charming house that the owners had renovated to make the third floor a beautiful, huge apartment. The apartment has 2 bedrooms, a lovely kitchen with a balcony overlooking a yard full of old-growth trees and gardens, a large living room with views of the Hudson River, and a separate entrance. The owners are young people with 3 lively Laboradors. I think Newkie is going to be very happy in his new home along with his mommy and daddy! And Dewie will love sitting out on the balcony trying to catch the birds.... I'll be helping them move, so I can say good-bye to the city along with them. Phoebe is just now completing an additional Yoga certification in Restorative Yoga. She'll be just an hour's train ride away from her current clients, but I'm willing to bet that within a year she'll have so many new clients in her new home that she'll be spending more time there. And Jonathan is fortunate enough to be able to telecommute with his boss Wynton Marsalis most of the time. It's going to be interesting to watch their new life unfold.

What else what else. Well Berkeley Springs is still the place for me. As much time as I've spent now in Hagerstown (I spent 10 hours in the car last week back and forth!), and other places this year, I still feel a small sigh of relief everytime I approach town. There's the State Park with the gazebo, there's the Star Theater (I always look at the marquee to see what's playing). I'll almost always see someone I know on the street.

The May Day Fairie Festival was a huge success this year. We had 14,000 in attendance. The vendors were fabulous as always (I've been the vendor coordinator there for 13 years now). I'll always consider this event my second home, if only for a week out of the year. I have some photos on Facebook, but you can also go to Youtube and search for Spoutwood Farm, or Fairie Festival, to find lots of video.

Well, I guess that about wraps it up. Maybe I'll post again in a month or two or three!!!!

Happy Halloween, Happy New Year!

2009-11-01T01:18:00.002-04:00

So I haven't been posting here as much as I used to, mostly because of my job. It's really keeping me distracted from the important things, such as the vodka, bonbons, and the soaps (you did know that I am addicted to All My Children, didn't you?). And blogging about regular people stuff. I have been blogging about my Life as Practice Manager, aka the Daily Rant for Single Payer Health Insurance.

Well. I guess my last post was right after our anniversary party. Ya'all are going to think that all we do here in Berkeley Springs is go to parties, because I just got home from the first annual Earthdog Cafe Hallowen party. It was great having a party at a bar, because I didn't have to clean up! We didn't have our Halloween party this year since we just had the anniversary bash -- and Matt is out of town this weekend (what kind of nerds plan a convention during HALLOWEEN WEEKEND?!?!). Everyone was there, and the Flashbacks were playing their classic rock. Lots of great costumes -- zombies and vampires are quite in vogue, don't you know?

Getting ready for a costume party is like Thanksgiving: you know how it takes you half the day to make the dinner, and then everyone is "full" in 20 minutes or less? Well, it took me 90 minutes to get dressed. Granted, I was at the party for more than 90 minutes, but still. I should at least be able to wear the dress for a couple of days...

I left halfway through the evening to pick up my girl in Clear Spring after she spent the evening with her friends at the Hagerstown Mummers Parade. Strangely, I found myself waiting for her parked outside of a cemetery. Sure enough she showed up, and we drove home -- what a beautiful evening it is -- misty, a bit rainy, and a wild breeze blowing it all around. We were just starting up our dark driveway, when we both gasped. There in the bushes: it was PETER PAN. I swear to God... a yellow-striped cat butt was just disappearing through the brush. Willa got out of the car and tried to call him, but he was hiding.

So maybe I'll wonder into the sunroom right now and play with the Ouija board. Or maybe just play backgammon...

Bittersweet symphony

2009-10-03T22:40:00.006-04:00

What a whirlwind this week has been. Last weekend was "Wedding Weekend." Having all our friends and family together in one place for a few hours was both overwhelming and wonderful. The pictures (more here!) are amazing and really capture the happiness of the event. Phoebe was here all weekend, and Mom stayed overnight on Saturday night; our Fairie Festival friend Mark hung out all weekend too. The only dark cloud over all of this was Peter Pan's illness and rather sudden death. All day Saturday he was moping around the house, mewing and limping a bit like he used to do now and then. He was sleeping a lot. It reminded me of his behavior a few weeks ago -- he acted sick for an entire day but by the next day, when I was ready to call Dr. Roberts, he was all better. But this time, on Sunday, he was definitely ill. He was staggering around outside, or just lying in a pitiful heap on a chair. He was drooling horribly. Of course, Dr. Roberts isn't open on Sundays, and the closest vet hospital is an hour away. The house was full of people, and I kept thinking he'd get better.... but by Sunday evening, although his drooling had stopped, his breathing was becoming very labored. Within an hour he was gone, with us all sitting around the chair petting him. Poor guy - he was an awesome cat. He just showed up on the deck one day a few years ago demanding to be fed. I'll even miss him raking his claws over the rug. I'll especially miss the way he used to curl up right in front of me when I was trying to work out -- he'd reach his paws out at me as if to say "Enough of that! It's time to pet me!"

Monday of course I had to drive Phoebe back to the train... always makes me sad to see her go, but my heart is happy because I know she's got a good life waiting for her in NYC. Tuesday morning I didn't hurry back to work. I wanted to sit and enjoy the quiet of my house. The weekend was so packed with people, and there wasn't one quiet moment in there! I'm not complaining -- I loved every minute of it. But I am definitely one of those people that needs twice as much time to recharge.

And now here it is Saturday all over again. Angela and Russell and the boys, and Charles just left after a relaxing evening of pizza and laughing... I love my friends so much. When I consider the possibility of leaving this place, that is the one thing that keeps me here. I've never had friends like this before. Partly because of where we've been: DC was so transient. People came and left all the time, or were busy climbing one or another ladder. York was temporary while Matt was doing his residency. Partly because, at least when we first moved here, there wasn't much else to do but get together at one another's homes for potluck dinners, drumming and dancing. Now that our kids are older, we might go out more instead, and we still have so much fun. Some of the people we've hung out with in the past have come and gone, or we've grown apart, but the ones we have now are keepers.

And tomorrow it's the Mother Earth Harvest Fair! This is another Spoutwood Farm event. I haven't gone for a few years, mostly because I've been busy here at home but I've been missing my Farm friends, so I'll make the 2 1/2 hour trip each way to see them all. The weather is supposed to be glorious, and Albannach is playing, so that's where I'm going! I only wish Willa didn't have to work so she could come with me.

Phoebe and Jonathan's toast!

2009-09-29T18:05:00.002-04:00

Phoebe was there in person, and her husband Jonathan was far away in California. They both worked on this together. I love how they captured so much of us in just a few lines (any All My Children fans out there?). The only thing that could've made this more perfect would be if Jonathan could've been there in person.

Happy 20th!!!

She was a Brenda, he was a rocker
Now she’s a Bibi, now he’s a doctor

After 20 years, they are retying the knot
This time I’m legal, and I will be drinking…A LOT!

For the sake of our rhyme we start at the beginning,
Days she spent typing, while nights he spent singing

In a band that Matt called The Young Caucasians
Brenda, the groupie, her heartbeat--a raisin’.

She fooled him with chicken and cooking so edgy
A year or two later, she’d only cook veggies.

Late night trips to buy twinkies and hoho’s,
Now Matt spends his days talking medical no-no’s.

They did Midnight running and tennis in the park,
Now Bibi goes to class and Matt rarely sees dark.

Brenda made the dough as Matt studied the books,
Now he brings home the bacon as she cleans and cooks.

Their journey was filled with clowns, fairies, and Willa!
These two, you can see, are anything but vanilla.

He earned the name Doctor, she discovered her wings!
and then they were off to Berkeley Springs

Phoebe’s all grown; her husband—the best
A dancer, a bassist and poets, no less.

Erika Cane’s lovers change from season to season
But the Hahn’s stay together for a wonderful reason…

Their love is the truest, both simple and lovely
Now let’s toast to them with a nice glass of bubbly.

Renewing our Vows...

2009-09-29T11:34:00.002-04:00

I've posted pictures on my Facebook profile and I will write more about the party. But I wanted to post my mom's toast here, because it said so much! My daughter Phoebe and son-in-law also wrote a lovely little poem-toast, which I will post here as soon as I get a copy! In the meantime, here's Mom!:

They say that memories are the heart of a marriage. Brenda and Matt, you no doubt have many, marking the many years of your time together. I, too, have my own memories of your time together.
Brenda, do you remember the first time I met Matt? The two of you were sitting in the grass by a Rockville parking lot when I drove up. As I walked to where you were sitting, I could tell something was afoot. You had never mentioned Matt, but I suspected something. Never in my wildest suspicions, though, would I ever have envisioned a twentieth anniversary celebration in Berkeley Springs, West Virginia, and that that man would someday be my doctor..

A year or so after that, I remember coming to Washington for a conference. By this time you were definitely a pair. You called, Brenda, to say that you and Matt would visit me at the hotel. When you arrived you were dressed as clowns—red yarn wigs, red rubber noses, polka-dot costumes. You were on your way to some kind of show. This was my beautiful, intelligent daughter and my future son-in-law???

Matt, you always loved music and performing. I remember well the Young Caucasian stage. Then, with Brenda's encouragement, you went back to school and on to medical school. That was a time of hard work for both of you. But that performance gene you inherited from your grandfather was always there, Matt. I recall one fourth of July when you won the lottery, with Phoebe's help, to conduct your father-in-law's River City Brass Band in a Sousa March. I remember thinking afterward that I had never seen you so delighted with yourself!

Willa's arrival brought on another stage. When she was born, Matt, you sent me a minute by minute account of Brenda's rather traumatic delivery. I appreciated that letter more than you could ever know. I was happy, of course, to get the news of my daughter's and my new granddaughter's welfare; but even more, between the lines, I could read the depth of your love for and devotion to my daughter.

So Matt, you became an honest to goodness doctor, and you, Brenda, said that now you were going to retire to lying on the couch all day, eating chocolates, drinking martinis, and watching soap operas. What ever happened to that end of the bargain?

Have nine years really passed since the two of you opened your new home in Berkeley Springs to me when I took the job at Shepherd? I lived with you for a whole semester! That's really going the extra mile for a mother-in-law. I thank you for that and I thank you for the many wonderful memories you've given me since that day I found you sitting together on the grass. May the next twenty years bring even more and better memories. I raise my glass to you and invite all here to raise their glasses to Brenda and Matt: Happy twentieth anniversary.

Unbelievable

2009-09-08T09:03:00.002-04:00

Letter to the Washington County, Maryland Board of Education:

Dr. Morgan

I would just like to register my extreme unhappiness with the Board's decision to not broadcast President Obama's speech today. I have chosen to send my child from West Virginia to Maryland schools, and pay tuition. One of the benefits I hoped my child would get (besides the privilege of attending the new arts school) was that she'd have a more racially diverse student body. I can't believe the message you're sending our kids, especially the minority kids: that this President is not good enough for them to watch during school hours. I read the text of the speech and there is nothing the least bit controversial there: kids, stay in school and follow your dreams! Presidents Reagan and the Bushes were allowed in our schools. Why not Obama? Your disrespect towards our President is inexcusable and gives every bigot, every racist out there ammunition and credibility. SHAME ON YOU ALL.

Bibi Hahn
Berkeley Springs, WV

first day of ninth grade.... Barbara Ingram School, here she comes!

2009-08-19T08:23:00.002-04:00

The End is the Beginning

2009-08-18T22:32:00.006-04:00

Phoebe in her "Barcelona" dress

Willa at work at Earth Dog -- with customers Aunt Sylvia and Granpa Jack

Summer is coming to an end, but new beginnings are here. Our practice continues to flourish; every day brings another stack of new patient registrations and the schedule is busy. I'm getting used to the idea of working again; although I've been very busy these past 9 years doing volunteer work and going about my daily business, the idea of being at a "job" every day was actually pretty easy to get used to. I did miss my traditional summer with Willa; we didn't get to do as much as we usually do. But we managed to get to New York twice, and sleep in and stay up late. Her job hostessing at Earth Dog Cafe kept her pretty busy. And now, Willa starts her new school tomorrow. I think this is going to be such a transitional experience for her. I'm so glad she'll have the opportunity to get out of this tiny little box we've been living in for the past 9 years. Oh, it's been a nice little box, but I think kids really need to learn to operate in the larger world. Not that Hagerstown is such a metropolis, but it's a step. I always thought it was good for Phoebe to grow up in the DC area: DC is not such a big city as it is a series of very connected-together neighborhoods, easy to get around, and lots to do and see. She went from there to Philadelphia for school, and then on to New York City. It was a pretty easy transition for her from a small city to the ultimate city. I have to wonder if kids who never leave this place are really happy. I think it's really important for kids to leave -- *really* leave their comfort zone -- and then if they *want* to come back, they'll come back that much smarter and sure that they *want* to be back. You have to go out into the world, that other, big world: make mistakes, maybe even start over a few times, learn about different kinds of people, eat strange food, sleep under different stars. I can't imagine never leaving my little hometown: when I think of all the places I've lived and been, and how they've shaped me into the person I am. To live in the same place, wearing out the same streets, seeing the same people day in and day out just get older but still the same.... maybe it's just me, but it would leave me wanting!

Anyway, she'll start the Barbara Ingram School for the Arts tomorrow, in the musical theater program. At the orientation the other night, all the faculty was sitting on the stage, and I was again struck by how excited and happy they looked! Even the academic instructors have roots in the arts. It'll be a challenging program academically, since all the classes are being taught on the honors level. Not only that, but some of the classes are condensed into one semester -- so instead of taking 40 minutes every day of Language Arts for 2 semesters, she'll have 80 minutes every day for one semester to earn the same 2 credits. That, of course, allows for 4 hours of arts programming every day. The principal, Mike Thorsen, was formerly the principal of the Pittsburgh High School for the Creative and Performing Arts -- he seems like a great administrator, and a nice guy as well. Everything has been going on plan -- we got updates when we were told we would, there have been parent and student orientations, and he's available by phone and email. As far as getting her to Hagerstown, it's a nice coincidence that her bus leaves Hancock just around the time either I or Matt need to be there for work, and it arrives in the evening just as at least one of us is ready to go home!

And Phoebe and Jonathan are in Spain! I took a peek at the hotel they're staying at in Barcelona -- I am extremely envious of that rooftop pool! I can't wait to hear all about their trip - i've been enjoying watching the photos get posted on her Facebook page. Talk about getting outside of your every day life -- I wonder what inspirations Phoebe will bring home from this trip?

So the critters outside are making a huge racket, the ironweed is in bloom, and there are huge rolls of hay in the fields.... all signs that summer is coming to an end. But I suppose all that's happening is evidence that every ending presents a new beginning!

Ah Summer Time, Sweet Summer Time!

2009-07-25T12:01:00.005-04:00

So much is happening, my head is aswirl with bits and pieces of it. Once in awhile the bits and pieces will bunch together to form a cohesive thought. That's how I've been feeling. In a nutshell, here are the big bits:

Matt and Marilyn have opened their practice. (the website is emerging, so stay tuned!) So far it's been amazing. We have a Facebook page, too, if you're interested.

Spent a nice long weekend in NYC with my Phoebe, taking along my mom for her birthday. I love that city, and I love spending time with my Phoebe. We ate good food (including the pizza I must have when I go to the city), saw West Side Story (it's even better than the reviewers have raved), saw the movie "Up" (ditto what I said about WSS), walked through Central Park (revisiting Phoebe and Jonathan's wedding site) and Riverside Park. Oh, and played with the grandkids, my grandoggie Newkie and my grandkitty Dewey.

What can I say about summer in Berkeley Springs? I look forward to it all winter long, feel it emerging as spring cooks along. This year is even better thanks to the California-type weather we've been having. It seems as though music is always playing somewhere now that we have a new venue and some old venues are trying to offer more music. Time spent with friends is priceless and now Berkeley Springs provides the soundtrack.

Willa continues to surprise me -- she got a job hostessing at Earthdog, and she loves it! She even grudgingly admits she doesn't mind cleaning the bathrooms. I think she likes feeling needed and enjoys the positive feedback she gets from doing a good job. Kudos to the owners for this... Right now she's at the tail end of spending the week with Phoebe in New York, lucky girl.

So that's what is happening right now!

unexpected

2009-07-05T22:02:00.005-04:00

I don't even know if I'm going to publish this or not. Here I was feeling bad for my girl because, at a party yesterday, a girl whose been giving her a LOT of trouble this year showed up with her family, bringing along one of my daughter's friends. I thought "Uh-oh," and sure enough, it seemed that this girl and the other ignored my daughter the entire time. Then along came another friend, who stuck with the Heathers, and I thought, wow, they really are being bitchy to my daughter!

Here I find out that my daughter, realizing that there's no way in hell she can get along with the Heather, was totally freeing her friends by steering clear of them. She could've tried hanging out with them, but the Heather is a piece of work, and any friendship they might've shown her at the time would've probably resulted in a temper tantrum. So she just steered clear of the Heather and her Hangalongs, even though it meant hanging out with her mom (me!) the entire time. I could tell she was really upset, hearing them laughing and having a good time. But now, here she is tonight, even sympathizing with one of the Hangalongs for the fight she just had with the Heather, telling her to relax and give it time. I'm more the "KISS MY ASS" type, so I'm really impressed that she's found this kind of integrity. She's not allowing herself to be the doormat that this other girl demands of her friends, and she's not judging the Hangalongs for their inability to just tell the Heather where to go. Amazing! She just continues to floor me in a really really good way.

The Beginning of a Great Adventure

2009-07-05T20:13:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow we open the Hahn and Nelson Family Medicine office! After 6 months of trying to decide whether to do it at all, and another 6 months of going with the decision to do it, it's finally going to happen. There have been very few snags, thanks to luck and the people that have been helping us. The biggest hurdle, as we feared, has been the credentialing process with all of the insurance companies we want to use. Thank goodness we had a pro working with us on that, on loan from the Antietam Health System. She's filed all of the applications for us, gotten together all of the necessary documents, and kept us updated on the status of each company. Without her, I'm not sure we could've done it as quickly or efficiently. It certainly left us free to work on a lot of other important issues. As it is, we are still not fully credentialed, but we're far enough along that it shouldn't be a problem. Some of the snags were unforseen, such as the problem with the phones last week. We got our office wired for 4 lines, including one fax, and thought we'd be ok if we just bought phones off the rack at Office Depot. Upon plugging them in and trying to use them while we were all in last week, we discovered it wasn't going to be that easy. Probably because of improper wiring, we were able to hear each other on the other line! Not good! So we've had to hire a contractor to come in and put in a full telephone system.... but at least it'll work and we'll have good support for it. The EMR (the website is not really functional yet, but keep watching!) we're using is kick-ass (EMR=Electronic Medical Record) because Matt and his buddy Shawn made it themselves -- they've been working on it for 4 years. It has some amazing bells and whistles -- ie, that phone call from a patient for a prescription refill? Just open that section of the patient's record, and message the provider. Not only will the provider have the prescription information right there, but so will the patient's contact information. Everything is in context with the relevant section of a patient's medical record. Plus it's got unparalleled tracking and reporting functions. AND it's easy to use...We're also using an online office management system called Office Ally. Although the scheduling is not as flexible as I'd like, it's very convenient and easy to use.

So, tomorrow! We already have a number of patients scheduled, and many more that we still have to schedule. As of Friday, almost 400 patients had called our voice mail and left messages that they want to become our patients and/or want appointments soon. Our open house is Friday afternoon.

So here's to a wildly successful new adventure!

To the Amazing Brave People of Iran

2009-06-20T11:27:00.004-04:00

photo from Revolutionary Road blog.

No time has seemed more appropriate for these words than now. I pray for you all. You are the bravest people in the world. Last night I read that many of you are writing your wills, bequesting books and photographs to family to friends. Generations to come will sing about you and write poetry about you. Entire history books will contain your stories. We are in awe of you, as we read live reports coming from the squares of Tehran.

Here it is, from my hero Patti Smith:

People Have the Power

I was dreaming in my dreaming
of an aspect bright and fair
and my sleeping it was broken
but my dream it lingered near
in the form of shining valleys
where the pure air recognized
and my senses newly opened
I awakened to the cry
that the people / have the power
to redeem / the work of fools
upon the meek / the graces shower
it's decreed / the people rule

The people have the power
The people have the power
The people have the power
The people have the power

Vengeful aspects became suspect
and bending low as if to hear
and the armies ceased advancing
because the people had their ear
and the shepherds and the soldiers
lay beneath the stars
exchanging visions
and laying arms
to waste / in the dust
in the form of / shining valleys
where the pure air / recognized
and my senses / newly opened
I awakened / to the cry

Refrain

Where there were deserts
I saw fountains
like cream the waters rise
and we strolled there together
with none to laugh or criticize
and the leopard
and the lamb
lay together truly bound
I was hoping in my hoping
to recall what I had found
I was dreaming in my dreaming
god knows / a purer view
as I surrender to my sleeping
I commit my dream to you

Refrain

The power to dream / to rule
to wrestle the world from fools
it's decreed the people rule
it's decreed the people rule
LISTEN
I believe everything we dream
can come to pass through our union
we can turn the world around
we can turn the earth's revolution
we have the power
People have the power ...

This time last year!

2009-06-06T16:07:00.006-04:00

This time last year we were obsessing over Matt's termination from Tri-State Community Health.

Now we're obsessing about starting him up in his own practice. But in a good way! We already have almost 200 patients signed up, courtesy of several great articles and one (so far) ad. Go Matt Go!

That's one good thing that's happening and in the works.

Another is my daughter's entry next year into the new high school for the arts in Hagerstown, the Barbara Ingram School for the Arts. She'll be studying her passion, musical theater. Besides that, her academics will all be studied on the honors level.

So proud of her. I know this has been a hard year for her. "Friends" have turned their backs. They see non-conformity as a threat, poise as condescension.. They had been her friends, some of them, since kindergarten. One of them in particular I miss... and I know she is missing my daughter's friendship, because she is inside herself wanting to get out... and those others are not going to let her or she will "be eating lunch in the girls room" as one of them put it so well when she decided to hang out with my girl... nice, huh?

Anyway. Summer is here -- tomorrow night she and I are going to see Nine Inch Nails and Jane's Addiction at Merriweather -- I've always always always wanted to see Trent Reznor -- had really wanted to see him at an indoor venue, but this will be fine, 'specially if the rain holds off. Then it's one thing after another here in Berkeley Springs. Friday night an art opening, or a play in Rockville. Saturday it's a music festival and then a croquet party. Sunday, possibly moving stuff into the new office -- and maybe a movie if I can still see straight.

Saturday night was a blast! We had everyone over here for an after-party following the Arts and Elegance appreciation event at the Country Inn. After the normal shananigans, Spam setup his electronica and had at it in the sunroom -- dancing dancing dancing. I wish I'd taken pictures, although Angela wearing the light spinner while bellydancing will be forever burned in my brain! We have to get Spam to take his gear to the bowling alley where they have the Cosmic Light show. Bowling rave anyone?

Anyway I know this kind of random but that's life, right? More more more. I want it all.

Willa...who cares about the HH's anyway?

2009-05-27T21:01:00.001-04:00

Even in the Rain we Shine

2009-05-04T17:01:00.005-04:00

Two out of three days during the Fairie Festival this past weekend, it rained steadily. Sunday was the worst day, with a relentless downpour. Mud was ankle deep but we danced in our barefeet, or in my case, boots that felt like wet paper mache. Saturday was a respite, with cool temperatures and peeks of blue sky and rays of sun -- surely there was a rainbow somewhere! Music bounced off the stages or, when the wet made amplification impossible, the drum circle moved from the now-boggy yard to the relative highland of Gossamer Stage. When one of us felt our spirits dampened, someone else would smile and the next time, it would be our turn to smile at them. Thankfully, the rain turned out to be a boon for the many talented artists plying their wares -- patrons gratefully found shelter in their many-colored tents and, finding beautiful things to take home there, opened their wallets.

Every time I close my eyes I'm treated to another memory. The beautiful boy dancing shirtless, his movements rivaling most bellydancers I know. Dancing with my amazing daughter in the drum circle. The child in the Greyhound tent, bending down to pat a napping dog. My friends in their finery. I'm left with such a feeling of peace after this Festival, renewal and reunion. Now I know, that even under the worst of weather, we can pull this event off. How did we do it? I think it might have something to do with the spirit of the Festival, described so well in Chris Davis' song, "Welcome to the Fairy Festival:"

"Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Fairy Festival! Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Fairy Festival!

'Cause there's more to Life than meets the eye,

It's our Love for each Other that makes us feel Alive.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Fairy Festival!"

That's what it was all about this weekend.

If only it were that easy in Real Life. Why must people be so heartless? Why must people be so cruel? Easy.... to be hard, easy to say "no...." ("Easy to be Hard" from "Hair" in case you didn't recognize it.)

I bought my daughter and her friend each a book at the Festival, a poem written by one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman, illustrated by a lovely man, Charles Vess, who has been a guest at our Festival these past two years. "Blueberry Girl." It's a blessing poem that all girls should be so lucky to receive.... My favorite lines: "Words can be worrisome, people complex, motives and manners unclear, Grant her the wisdom to choose her path right, Free from unkindess and fear." I wish I could buy this book for every girl I know.

Well, I'm going to close this now.. it'd been so long since I had posted anyway. Just wanted to share my little sliver of life as it is, now. If you want to see some more photos that I took of the Festival, here you go! I'm sure there will be more on the Festival website soon.

ah spring!

2009-03-11T16:28:00.002-04:00

The lilacs are budding and that smell of earth is in the air. I ventured out today to spread some alfalfa on my "lasagna garden" and rake up the dog turds.... lovely, i know! I still don't trust it -- could be one of those freak storms on its way but let's enjoy this loverliness while we can.

So if Spring is the season of new beginnings, bring it on! Willa has been accepted into the brand new public arts high school in Hagerstown, the Barbara Ingram School. This is good on all kinds of fronts -- it will nurture her budding singing talent, of course! She was given the choice between the musical theater program and the voice program -- two guesses which she chose! It'll be amazing for her to be among all those other smart, enthusiastic kids. The atmosphere among her friends has become just a bit on the toxic side -- she's growing up too fast for them, I think, and they're not comfortable to the point of excluding her and gossiping about it -- so it'll be good to make a fresh start in a positive environment. And then there's the fact that change is so stimulating all by itself. I know every time I've moved to a new home, I was so invigorated by the new place it made me positively high.... new people, different events, venues, even new grocery stores. Studies show that exercising your brain by doing new things can prevent cognitive diseases such as Alzheimer's, so I suppose making a big change in your life is like a big brain exercise!

There will be another big big change coming up, which I will write about when it's official... and it *will* be a big brain exercise! In a good way.

I've been tearing around getting ready for the Fairie Festival! The vendors have been selected and I'm just about done with the layout pending a quick trip to the Farm in a week or so.I've made our hotel reservation, and Willa and I have to go through our costumes to figure out what to wear, what to wear!

I had another amazing Internet experience last week. I've become Facebook friends with one of my father's students from way back when at Indiana University of PA, and he is on the board of the River City Brass Band, the band that my dad founded and directed until his death in 1994. We had been chatting about the Band, and I became curious about one of the guys in the band, an original member who still plays and is also on staff. I emailed him just to say hi! and he wrote back, with a link to a Youtube video of the Band, with my dad directing. It must be from the 80's. To see my dad there on his stage at the Carnegie Music Hall in Pittsburgh.... blew my mind. And to hear his voice!

Anyway that's about all to report right this second... all is well!

Shine on, Henry

2009-02-25T15:11:00.001-05:00

As if earth could not keep too long from Heaven
A treasure this unique loaned by the gods,
A being so rare, of so divine a make!

May you rest in peace.

No Posts

2009-02-22T13:25:00.004-05:00

Here's what's been happening this past month:
The Inauguration, which was my last post
Getting ready for the Fairie Festival! Juried and selected applicants. Stay tuned, we'll be posting this year's fabulous vendors soon on the website. Start saving your moneys!
Willa auditioned for a spot at the brand-new public arts high school in Hagerstown, the Barbara Ingram School. Keep your fingers crossed! She'll find out in a few weeks. She'll be very lucky to get in... the vibe at the audition was incredible, all those young people enthused about their art all together in one room.
I've been into hibernation... trying to get out more, but when it's so cold and dreary out, I just want a good book or movie! This month I've read Generation Loss by Elizabeth Hand, Child 44 by Tom Rob Smith, and Seventh Heaven by Alice Hoffman. All very different, all very very good. The Child 44 was chilling in its portrayal of Salinest Russia (is that right? Salinest?) and was an amazing thriller. I was initially attracted to Generation Loss after reading Hand's Glimmering -- and then I read the book jacket from Generation Loss and saw that she is a huge Patti Smith fan -- this book was another thriller featuring a reluctant detective. It takes place during a typically desolate winter on coastal Maine. Seventh Heaven took place in the late 50's/early 60's which is an intriguing time for me, since I was just a child back then. I often wonder what it was like for the adult people in my life at the time. Good books.... Movies I've watched include the amazing Slum Dog Millionaire, which if it doesn't win an Oscar, there is something wrong in the world! The children in this movie were beyond amazing, they were totally bewitching. All through the movie, I kept thinking "But for the grace of God, go I..." the horrible life these kids had... but what a triumphal ending for our hero! Also saw Gran Torino, CLint Eastwood at his most gruff but loveable.

I have finally begun sitting in the art room again, beginning work on some more cuff bracelets...

Anyway, we have managed to spend some time with friends, including one long-lost friend from my year in Cambridge MA back in 68-69. Thanks to Facebook, I reconnected with one of my best friends of the time, and we discovered that we were living within an hour or so of each other! We had dinner together in Winchester and I hope we can build on our old memories to make a new friendship.

OK, speaking of friends, I've got to go get ready to spend some time with them!!!! MOre later, including some BREAKING NEWS about MATT!!!!!

Inauguration Day

2009-01-24T12:45:00.005-05:00

OK, I'm finally ready to talk about Inauguration Day. First of all let me start out by saying: I'm so glad I had a reason to be on the Mall on Tuesday, considering the alternative. And, I'm glad I didn't stay home, because I would've thought I was missing it.

Willa and I started out the day by driving to Hagerstown's Dick's Sporting Goods and buying handwarmers and footwarmers. We had a lovely lunch at Sakura with Sue and her daughter Kaylee, our friends from the May Day Fairie Festival. From there, we drove to Chevy Chase and parked the car just a block from Connecticut Ave., gathered our stuff, and hopped on a Metrobus, and from Friendship Heights, caught the subway to Capitol Hill where we walked to Lincoln Park where we found our magical purple tickets that were going to get us in close to the Swearing In the next day! I felt like Willy Wonka, discovering the Golden Ticket as I pulled up the porch welcome mat to find the envelope on the designated house.

We walked on to Rosemary's house. Rosemary is my father-in-law's girlfriend, a wonderful woman who lives in one of those cute little Capitol Hill houses. It was pretty cold, probably around 20, so we were extremely happy to find hot soup waiting for us! We were tired, and went to bed at around 10, anticipating a long day ahead of great excitement and happiness.

We were up by 6:30, dashing around, eating big bowls of hot oatmeal and delicious hot coffee (but not too much -- I didn't want to have to pee!), and were out the door by 7:15. We had been told to get to the Purple Ticket Security gate no later than 8 -- and we had a 20 minute walk ahead of us. By the time we got to my old stomping grounds -- I used to work at OTA at 6th and Penn SE, you could feel the happy energy everywhere -- people walking with great purpose, but on air! Everybody was smiling! It was COLD but GOOOD! We had our handwarmers and footwarmers in place and were feeling confident. We saw signage for the various ticket-holders and walked on to 1st and Louisiana.

Once we got there, where we were actually supposed to be became vague. There was a long line behind the purple gate sign, so we got in it as best as we could -- the end of the block was blocked by a bus so the line wrapped around several times. We became chummy with some of the people. By now it was 9:00, and the gates were to open at 9:00 so we were sure that soon we would begin to move. But nothing by 9:30.

People with friends in other ticket lines began to get reports that they had been sent through security and were now on the Capitol grounds. We still didn't move. By 10, people were beginning to get nervous. Our line hadn't moved at all! But we stayed where we were, stomping our feet and wiggling our fingers to keep the circulation moving. The mood was still upbeat, but some people were becoming concerned.

By 10:30 we were still not moving. Nothing at all was happening. The INauguration event was supposed to begin at 10, with music and speeches, and the swearing in sometime between 11:30 and 12. I think at around 11, Willa and I noticed a stream of people moving around us, and we decided to join them. We noticed a large clump of people in front of what looked like a security gate, but nothing was happening -- there were no guards there, and the gate was closed. Another stream of people were moving in the direction of the Capitol, and seemed to be lined up against the fence around the grounds, so we moved up there.

11:30. Still nothing. People were extremely restless. We could see the security station in front of us from our position, and a very very thin stream of people being permitted to go through. From our crowd, people kept shouting at the security personnel to ask them when we would get through. We were mostly ignored, but one of the security people came over and assured us that we would get through. By now it was almost 12, and it was obvious that it wasn't going to happen! A woman next to us was crying hysterically. Most of us were just somber and disappointed. We moved away, back to what we thought was the security gate to see if anything was happening. The gate was closed, and a crowd of very disturbed people were there.... and we could hear pieces of the swearing in from a loudspeaker somewhere.

I guess I knew by 11:30 that we weren't going to get in. I was feeling resigned and disappointed. I kept telling myself that I was happy just to be here, with my daughter, knowing that within a block of where I was standing, Barack Obama was becoming the first African American president, the first candidate I had ever truly believed in. It was really, almost enough. The crowd became jubilant. My only wish at that point (besides that I could've gotten in) was that I had been close enough to a Jumbotron at least so I could've seen it.

So we walked around a bit, even ran into a friend from Berkeley Springs! We were hungry by then. We wandered through a securitiy gate to the parade route, hung out for a bit, thought about staying there until the parade began at 2:30, but it was only a bit after 12 by then and thought we should eat while we could. So we exited the secure area, found a restaurant that could seat us right away, and had a delicious lunch and relaxed, and got warm. By 1:30 we were ready to brave the elements and the crowd, and went back to Pennsylvania Avenue, renewed and ready to watch President Obama and his family and the parade.

But we couldn't. When we went to the security gate, there was a pile of about 200 people in line. We waited. and waited and waited. Nobody was being allowed in at all. We waited around for about an hour, amusing ourselves by watching the people, feeling happy mostly.

2:30 came and went. We heard that the parade had been delayed because Senator Kennedy had had a seizure. Figured that's why we weren't getting in, and waited for about another half hour. Nobody moved. We were about a block and a half from Pennsylvania Ave, so we really couldn't see or hear too much of what might be going on down there.

By 3:30 it was ridiculous. Why weren't they letting anyone in? Nobody had any answers. There was absolutely no communication to the crowd, waiting in line. We heard that somebody's friends had gotten in through the 14th street security gate, so we decided to walk down there. But everything was blocked off, and we could only get to the next security gate, a few blocks away, and there was an even bigger crowd waiting, even more confused than the first.

OK. It's 4:00 now. We can't hear or see the parade. We still have to leave here, go back to Capitol Hill, get our stuff, take the subway to Friendship Heights, and get the bus to Chevy Chase. Then, we have a 2 hour drive back home. We're cold. More than a little disappointment. What would you do?

If it had been 10 years ago, I might've stayed. But I was achey! I was tired. I wanted to get home and watch the Balls on TV, and maybe some of the stuff I had missed. So we left.

There's a lot of commotion on Facebook and some other blogs about how the Purple Ticket holders should be compensated. I don't want to be compensated, but I want to know what the hell the problem was? They gave out x number of tickets, so shouldn't they have planned on getting that number of people through the gates? And what the hell happened with the parade? It wasn't so bad for us -- we didn't travel that far. But we had people standing next to us that had come from far away... I think an explanation is in order. I'll be looking for it on the Inauguration Committee's website

I hate to think we live in this kind of world now. I laughed when I got an "email" from President Obama on Wednesday, where he thanked me "for being part of the most open inauguration in our nation's history." I'm sorry, it wasn't that! I'm remembering the Clinton inauguration, and even the Bush inauguration. There were stacks of people lining the streets watching the parade. I didnt have tickets to either of those swearing ins, but I do know people who went and had no problem. I suppose if we hadn't had all of the restrictions, and something awful had happened, it would've been a lesson and I'd feel differently.

I'm letting it go, not that I was all that disturbed. I'm so happy we have Obama now. Now the real work begins! If you're reading this, please think about how you want to make change, and help work to make it happen. Be Inspired!

Handy Hint from the Hillbilly Fairy II

2009-01-13T07:58:00.003-05:00

Yes, it's time for another "useful hint!" I thought of this one as I gazed out of my study window and observed with immense satisfaction that I still have cilantro growing in my garden! Even with the temperature at 22 degrees, it's still green, albeit a little frosty. What did I do? What I usually do when it comes to gardening -- I planted it and then forgot about it! But this cilantro I planted in October, when it was still rather warm. I had just gotten done turning over the old plants and noticed all the seed pods on the cilantro I had in there at the time. I simply shook it all over the ground, blessing it with my usual "Grow if you want to, otherwise, rot" blessing. The garden plot faces south to this advantage. I mulched rather heavily with leaves and contents of the good old compost bin as I usually do in the fall. A few weeks later I noticed LOTS of little green shoots poking through the mulch, and then I had all the fresh cilantro I could use. Let's see how much longer this lasts! So if you want a long lasting, fresh crop of cilantro, plant a last crop late in the season. I think if I had covered it with something it might do even better.

Apparently it won't have the energy to go to seed, thus giving you a nice long crop.

post-christmas blues

2009-01-04T16:15:00.005-05:00

So my little family has all been firmly nestled together for more than 2 weeks... Today I took down the tree. This always depresses me a little bit: taking off the ornaments collected through the years, many of them "signed" by my mom along with the year she gave it to one of us, a reminder of how many years have gone by since Willa was young enough to appreciate a little mouse with an elf hat. The tree, our first live one in many years, now stands forlornly out in the woods: this is always a problem for me. I never feel like the tree gets enough appreciation for its sacrifice. Someone came along, cut it down, and then plunked it into a lot, waiting for it to be culled from the rest, deemed pretty enough to grace one's living area. Pick me! Pick me! it cried... only to be loaded down with armfuls of ornaments and lit up. Well, maybe it likes that part -- I suppose we can pretend the tree feels as though it's been be-jeweled, right? I faithfully watered it every day, and was rewarded with a beautiful, aromatic tree that dropped hardly any needles. Then comes the day when it's time to pitch the tree out. I know some people compost their tree, and use it in the garden later, but I don't have a chipper. So I put it outside where we could watch it devolve back into the earth. I even faced my fairy dolls outside so it would feel that someone was watching over it.
So now everything is packed away into the cupboard in the sunroom, waiting for next year. Every Christmas I swear that next year we will not buy any presents, and instead, take off for Jamaica as a family and just relax. I still remember our Christmas in Jamaica when Phoebe was just about Willa's age, and it was an adventure.
I'm ready for everyone to go back to school/work. Matt has set up his "office" right smack in the middle of the living room so, when he's having a conference call as he is right now, I can't run the vacuum, watch TV, or even read the paper. Willa has mini-dramas every hour or so, or I'm yelling at her that she's been on the phone with her boyfriend too long. So this time tomorrow, my little family will have been back out in the world and then returned to me for the evening. I imagine Phoebe and Jonathan's lives are getting back to normal now too and their new puppy is happily settling in to his new life (and Dewey has probably come to terms with the fact that he's not going anywhere!) Here's to a shiny new year!

Raising Girls, part II

2009-01-03T16:57:00.004-05:00

So we have a 14-year old who has just begun dating. The current boyfriend has been in the picture for about a month now. He seems like a nice kid; his big fault as far as we're concerned is that he's 2 years older than our daughter, which seems like a big difference at this age. But like I said, he's a nice kid, appropriately shy and polite around grown-ups, and he plays trombone in the high school band. Would I pick him for my daughter? What do I know? We're trying to limit their time together so he doesn't become the focus in her life, but if you remember anything about being 14, absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder. Right now he's visiting our home, and my husband has both of them on the floor of the living room doing the P90X Ab Ripper program with him. Now if I were that boy, I'd be tearing out of the house right now. So I guess he has more fortitude than I do.
I just read on the West Virginia Blue website that West Virginia is one of only 28 states that teaches an Abstinence-Only sex ed program. Of course, the sadly amusing part of this is that West Virginia has one of the highest teen-pregnancy rates in the country; in fact, it rose from 1,743 to 1,978 from 2005-2007. Of course we have told our daughter that abstinence is the only 100% effective form if birth control. Do I believe she'll remain abstinent? Not likely. My husband and I have spent countless hours discussing how we will react to the news that she's sexually active. Fortunately, she apparently feels comfortable discussing her relationship with me and has told me that she doesn't feel ready for that *yet.* But my hope is that if we keep the doors of communication open, she will keep talking to me about it. I've pretty much told her that if she feels comfortable talking to me about it, then she might be ready. I don't want to go into detail here because I respect her privacy, but I know that we are handling this looming milestone the best way for our family; it may not be right for everyone.
It's getting dark out now at 5:00. I'm ready for the days to start getting longer - I know they will before it starts getting warmer, but I'm ready for that too! This business of putting on and taking off layers of clothes 4 or more times a day is making me weary! I'm also pretty happy that this long holiday vacation is almost over. Daughter has been off of school since December 19; husband has been off all this week. As relaxing as it's been not having to get up early, pack lunches, have dinner ready at a certain time, etc., I'm ready for some nice long days all to myself! I have lots of work to do for the Fairie Festival and the Adopt-A-School program as well as one other upcoming exciting projects (more about this later!); of course I need to take down the Christmas tree and put all of that away; but then it's back to the vodka, bon bons and soap operas (yeah, right!).

Pearl Willey, updated

2008-12-31T15:29:00.005-05:00

Can you imagine my surprise, when I saw the subject of a recent email: "Info about Pearl Willey." Expecting it to be spam from one of those genealogical websites, I read it, and realized that wasn't the case at all. It was an email from a woman named Rebekah, who had googled Pearl Willey and found my blog post from a few weeks ago! She was googling Pearl because her mother, Bernie, had recently purchased a packet of Christmas cards and postcards at auction in Pennsylvania. While reading the cards, she became so intrigued by the romance between "Pearl" and "Andy," the corresponding couple, that she wondered who they were, and thus, the google. She emailed me via my blog, to ask me if the subject of my post could be the same Pearl Willey. How many Pearl Willeys could there be, married to an Andy, and living in Johnstown? Right. I wrote right back to her, amazed at the circumstances that had come together, and acknowledged that it had to be the same Pearl Willey. I also asked if there were any way I could see the cards... if not buy them outright. She wrote back that she'd have to talk to her mother, who had purchased them.
Well, last night I couldn't sleep. I got up at around 2, and hoping to bore myself to sleep on the Internet, glanced at my email. There was an email from Bernie, saying she was passing through Berkeley Springs today, and she would have the cards with her. I couldn't believe it! So today Matt and I had a wonderful lunch with a really wonderful lady who, with a kind smile, handed me a box of a piece of my ancestral life. We discussed what we each knew of the Willey-Bernat marriage. One of the postcards was from Pearl to "Dale..." I wasn't sure who Dale was, although it sounded like it might be a brother. I told of the farm in Ohio where my dad spent many summers. I told her about the estrangement between my father, and his father (Andy), and about the letter my father wrote about Pearl Willey.
The cards are beautiful in that old-fashioned way -- made of sturdy card stock, with beautiful lettering and touches such as ribbon or satin flowers, and all of them faded to that eggshell patina. There isn't much dialogue in the cards, but it's clear that the two are devoted to one another: signatures bearing "to my darling wife," and that old-fashioned habit of writing initials in the corners of the card for "All My Love Dear" for example. The two must have been very young when writing these cards. She died in 1936, when she was 30, and the most recent card is 1924.

Once I had enjoyed reading all the cards, and reflecting on how special they are, I called Barbara, my dad's dear cousin in Pittsburgh, one of the last remaining relatives on my father's side to tell her this amazing story, and also to get some blanks filled in. It turns out that "Dale" was Pearl's little brother, known to me as "Uncle Chick," who lived in the other side of the duplex where Andy lived on Bloom Street. I rememeber Uncle Chick and his wife, Aunt Bea very well from a few rather awkward visits we would make when we lived there in Johnstown. Well, there were, first of all, their names! Aunt Bea and Uncle Chick! It sounded like something out of a child's book. They had two dogs that I loved. But probably more than that, their welcoming attitude was in sharp contrast to my grandfather Andy's rather brusque demeanor. Barbara went on to remind me that her mother was Emma Jean, Pearl's older sister. Barbara also mentioned that Andy was probably an orphan (which must've made it even more difficult for him to face being a single parent once Pearl died, leaving him with 2 tiny children). She acknowledged that Andy could be very difficult; I had always assumed that he became difficult once Pearl had died, but apparently that was his way all along. In fact, on the back of one of Pearl's Christmas cards, she has written "I'm sorry I made you unhappy, dear."

I've always wondered why my dad didn't talk much about Pearl. I never found out about her until I asked about her when considering that name for Willa. Was it still so painful for him to remember her? Now I'm remembering how, when we were bad, he would threaten us with taking us away to the convent to live! Now that I think about it, the fact that his father was an orphan, and him being I guess what you could say was a half-orphan, could explain a few things. He wasn't always the best communicator with us kids (although we never doubted his love for a minute). It seemed very important to him to have a woman in his life, in contrast to some artists who would just as soon have solititude. He experienced mood swings; I remember coming down to the breakfast table many mornings to find him staring into space, barely aware of my presence.

Thank you so much to Rebekah and Bernie for bothering to get in touch with me. It would've been so easy for you to read my blog, and file away those cards as just another interesting bit of ephemera in your collection, and not get in touch with me. I will always be touched by your kindness. I'm inspired now to find out more about Pearl; I'm not sure how to go about it. I guess I'm a bit perturbed that whatever estate decided to auction Pearl's things didn't bother trying to get in touch with anyone in Andy's family: my sister confirmed that Andy's second wife, Irene,did die last January, so I assume that's the estate that was being auctioned. It would be so nice to have some more nuggets of information, some more memories, of my grandmother Pearl, as well as my grandfather who I never did get to know.

My Holiday Letter

2008-12-18T12:31:00.011-05:00

This is the blog version of my annual Winter holiday letter to friends and family.....

Winter 2008

Dear Friends and Family,

This has been a rather interesting year. As usual, we have been enjoying Berkeley Springs and all that it has to offer, marveling at our friendships, and the many things that such a small community has to offer.
Willa continues to grow her theatrical talent courtesy of our Arts Council’s community theater; this past spring she was the Lead Player in “Hamlet” and then this Fall, she starred in “Little Shop of Horrors” as Andrey. She continues to study voice with her local vocal coach, the incredible Pat Springer, and this past summer she studied theater at the Broadway Artists Alliance in New York. I’ve continued to be involved with the Arts Council’s Adopt-A-School program, and vendor coordinating at the May Day Fairie Festival, and this year was very involved with the Obama campaign at the local level. I even got to be a state delegate (along with Mom!) in Charleston this summer. It was Matt’s turn of events that made the year “interesting.” He’s no longer medical director at Tri-State Community Health Center, since he was terminated following his attempt to file a grievance on behalf of 50+ employees. This happened in May and turned our lives upside down for at least 3 months. We were never very worried about him finding another job (after all he was a national finalist for American Family Physician of the year!); it was more the fact that he’d been with the Center for 9 years and really felt a sense of ownership there. It was painful but it’s now behind us. If nothing else had before, we realized how important our friendships and how strong our ties to this community are. We gave very little thought to the possibility of leaving the area. He’s practicing now in Winchester (about 35 minutes away) at a community health center that serves a large Latino population. He lost no time learning Spanish and can now carry on very well with his patients. His Electronic Medical Record software is being implemented by at least one practice very soon; others are looking at it, and things are starting to happen!
Phoebe and Jonathan are still living “the life” in the Upper West Side. She’s continuing to grow her Pilates/Yoga practice and Jonathan’s still hard at work with Wynton Marsalis at Jazz at Lincoln Center. They got a puppy recently, so I now have a grandkitty and a grandpuppy! Willa and I will be joining them there just before Christmas for a few days. We’ve been able to get together quite a lot this year. Phoebe, Mom, Willa and I spent a nice long weekend together in DC during the Cherry Blossom Festival. Matt, Willa and I sublet an apartment for 10 days during the summer while Willa took her theater workshop; this gave us a great taste of living in the city. I’ve taken a few quick trips to catch Phoebe in a couple of shows she was dancing in. I got to see “Nobody Suspects a Butterfly,” which a friend of Phoebe’s choreographed, and she danced and served as dance captain.
I hope this greeting finds you well and happy! Please keep in touch with us. Using Internet sites like Facebook has enabled us to find old connections and keep in touch with so many. And yes, now we’re blogging: You can also read Matt’s blog on Health Care Reform. We’d love to hear from you!

Bitching about Verizon

2008-12-09T08:44:00.003-05:00

We live in the Eastern Panhandle, less than 2 hours from the DC metropolitan area. Yet in many ways, we could be back in some holler, grateful just to have indoor plumbing and a telephone line. Two years ago, it was only because I called Verizon EVERY DAY for 2 months, and finally finding a sympathetic hardworking soul who got at least part of my neighborhood DSL service. There are still many neighborhoods without it. There is very little competition for high speed service -- there is satellite, which for most, is prohibitively expensive, and from what I understand, not that wonderful; there is cable, but that's even less available, and there is Skyweb, but you have to be within viewing distance of a radio tower to get that -- and remember, we are in hilly West Virginia! Anyway, I ordered the middle tier service, which was supposed to give me 1.5 - 3 Mbps download speed, and I was just happy to be able to to watch all the youtube videos and other Internet junk like most others on the planet.

This week I had almost decided to order a really cool toy from Netflix that allows you to download movies from the internet directly to your TV. Wow, I thought, no more groans from the family because I ordered yet another esoteric movie, possibly with subtitles! They can just queue movies right up from the TV! So I set about looking at the specs, and saw that I needed at least 1.5 Mbps internet connection. Hmmm, I thought, well, I should have at least that, but hey, here's a link where I can test my internet speed, and so I clicked, just to make sure. I was stunned to see that it was only 1.3! What's going on? I thought to myself. Well, I'll check later. Maybe it's busy right now -- so I checked again, this time at midnight. Now it was just 1.25!

Hmmmm. So this morning I began the daunting task of investigating my bill. My bill said that i was paying 37.99 a month for "high speed internet", with a $13.99 credit because I "bundle" my services. So I went to the Verizon website to find out, for $37.99, what kind of plan I was paying for.

Long story short. I called Verizon (always so much fun, right?) and was told that, yes, I was paying for the middle tier plan, which gives me speeds of "1.5-3.0 mbps." So, I am paying, have been paying now for 2 years, $10 more a month for that middle tier, while getting the worst performance available for that tier. You can't even tell from Verizon how much that plan will cost you after the promotional period.

So I looked at Earthlink, my dear old Internet provider for years and years before Verizon monopolized the DSL scene. Lo and behold, Earthlink is now a provider in my area! And look. It's "Basic Freestanding DSL plan" is $12.95/mo. for UP TO 1.5 Mbps First 3 Months and then, after the promotional period, $39.95. Clearly stated. Also, once I typed in my address, Earthlink restricted me to looking only at plans that it could support in my area! And, I wouldn't be bamboozled into selecting a next-tier plan that would only minimally improve my performance, while paying a lot more per month.

So what do I do? Break up with Verizon? I also found out that there is a cellular service available now, Credo, an outgrowth of Working Assets, my dear old socially conscious long distance company! The coverage offered by its leased lines isn't as powerful as Verizon's (which actually leases its lines from US Cellular) but after the holidays, you'd better believe I'll be looking at both of these options a lot more closely. Maybe I'll be one of those people that gives up my landline and I'll never have to use Verizon again.

PS doesn't it seem strange, that as I attempted to publish this post, that all of a sudden, my browser couldn't "find" Blogger? If I were a paranoid person, I'd suspect a conspiracy!!!!

Willa Pearl's name

2008-12-07T15:58:00.006-05:00

dad and nancy relaxing in the Dales of England

OK I promise after this post, I'll come back to the present! I've spent a lot of time and energy this weekend going through memories. After writing that previous post about my dad the other day, I realized that I hadn't seen the letter that he'd written about Willa Pearl's name for a long time. I went looking for it, tearing through every keeps and saves box, album, books, wherever I tended to keep precious things. After looking and not finding, I realized that it was 2 A.M. Although I hadn't found it, I did find many amazing memories, taking me back and forth through time. I was still upset that I couldn't find the letter. It was, after all, most likely the last thing he ever wrote. I even found the letter that I'd written him on November 23, 1994, 4 days before Willa arrived, and 10 days before he died, asking him to write something about Pearl Willey, his mother and one of Willa's namesakes. But not the letter that he'd transcribed to Nancy, his wife. I fretted over having lost something that precious, recalling little pieces of it as I fell to sleep. I told myself as I was drifting off to please think of where it might be -- sometimes these things get resolved in dreams! So when I woke up, I remembered that, as Nancy read the letter at Willa's babynaming ceremony on December 23, one of my relatives had videotaped the event. Hoping that I still had the old VCR tape somewhere, I went downstairs, and yes! there it was on a shelf. I popped it into the machine and turned it on. It was stopped right at the point where Nancy started to speak. I did my best to transcribe it. Here it is:

Pearl, my Willa's namesake, once was the most beautiful, wonderful, capable woman in the world. Sadly, __?__ it was all too short a time. But the time she was with me was the happiest of my young life. She was the source of all knowledge. I remember being down in our basement while she was washing our clothes asking her if, now that I was 4, does that mean I weighed 4 pounds. I don't remember what the answer was, but it was the kind of answer that fully satisfied a curious little boy.
I remember that our neighbors loved her so dearly, and how she must have been ahead of her time, a working woman in the early 1920's when not a lot of women were working women. I remember the all-too few trips to her parents' and grandparents' magnificent farmhouse in Ohio, how sunlit, happy and green it was with children all around as several generations of her family, and how it wasn't the same to go there later after she had died. It was as thought the center of my life had fallen and that much that I did later in my life, both good and not so good, to those close to me, was a consequence of me striking back at the absence, at that disappearance from my too young life. I can remember the way she and my father cried when they realized that nothing could be done for her and that she only had 3 months to live. Would that we had known then what we know now what can be done to cure this dread disease, but we didn't, so on that Easter morning in 1936 in the midst of yet another Johnstown flood she was taken away to the angels. I remember as clear as if it was yesterday, crawling up on her bed and kissing her goodbye, and later when she was brought back in a casket, crawling up into the kneeler and kissing her goodbye for one last time. From that time to this, I've always thought of her as my guardian angel. I'm sure that her wings will be wide enough to protect Willa Pearl, as I'm sure they're protecting her mother and aunts, and her sister.

From Nancy: Oh, little Willa, may you always have the twinkle in your Grandpop Bob's eyes, the music in his soul, and may you always know that along with his mother Pearl, he will always be watching over you.

So I may not have found the letter, but I found the words, and that will be fine.

Robert Bernat: In Memoriam

2008-12-04T08:01:00.015-05:00

My Dad, Robert Bernat, conducting the River City Brass Band

Dad and me on my wedding day

Dad and me at Brandeis University

This is always a hard time for me, this time sandwiched between Thanksgiving, my younger daughter's birthday, and Christmas. It was 14 years ago that my younger daughter was born on a Sunday, and my dad was gone the next Saturday morning. He learned of his lung cancer about a month after I found out that I was pregnant with Willa. So my entire pregnancy, as happy as that was, was also fraught with concern for him and his wife Nancy. I wanted to drive up to Pittsburgh to be with them more than I was able to -- I was more or less supporting my family while Matt was in school, and I was trying to save my sick leave for my post-pregnancy. The time I had with him was bittersweet. I couldn't believe he was leaving me now, that things were looking so promising... the baby on its way, Matt on his way through school, Phoebe coming through a difficult time. I remember visiting one weekend, and the rest of the visiting family had gone to see the River City Brass Band's concert -- I chose to stay home with Dad in case he needed anything. We were talking about who would be taking over the band while he was sick, and he said something about this person taking over "if I died...." and it was the first time I heard him utter those words and it rocked me to my core. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "It could happen." He was so skinny after having his lung removed, the radiation and chemo doing no favors...

There were many phone calls and letters. Some reassuring, others scary. His wife Nancy was amazing, her grace at dealing with this difficulty. I was able to visit them a few times, the last time being my birthday weekend in mid-October. He was able to sit up at the dining room table with us and eat breakfast.... the leaves seemd especially beautiful that year, I remember remarking to my sister who was also there. This was also the weekend I realized for sure how serious his illness was - he asked us to go through his books and take whatever we wanted.

He wrote a beautiful essay for Willa about her great-grandmother, his mother, for whom she is partially named after - Pearl Willey (Willa's middle name is Pearl). If I can find it I will post it here....

I had an emergency C-section on the evening of November 27. It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving, the first night of Hanukkah. It was frightening, but everything came out ok. I called my dad the next day to tell him all about his new granddaughter and I noticed that he sounded more weak than usual, not as happy as I thought he'd be. We went home on Tuesday, I think. I was to stay in bed for 6 weeks for the recovery. But that Wednesday Matt got a call from Nancy and my Dad that he would probably not live through the holidays. When Matt came in to tell me, he had his mom there for support. They took Willa from me and made sure I was sitting down when they told me... I was beside myself. Once I was able to control my emotions a bit, I called my Dad. My dad, I suppose in trying to comfort me, said that there was one last therapy they could try, and you never know, it might work. A tiny little piece of me wanted to believe it but my rational mind knew better: this was the last time I would hear my dad's voice on the phone.... so it was Thursday when we decided that it was time for those of us who could travel should get up to Pittsburgh. I was not able to travel yet, so I sent Phoebe with my sister Betsy. I remember the weather during this time was cold and gray, just like the weather we're having right now. It seemed right.

Matt and I tried to focus on our new little baby. We stared for hours into her little face, noting every expression and sweet little noise. I begged whatever powers there were to allow my dad to see this new little person before passing on. I felt strongly that I wanted her to have his blessing in person.

We woke up Saturday morning to the phone ringing. It was Phoebe with the news that Dad had passed away overnight. Nancy was right beside him -- he fell asleep with her singing to him. When she woke up, he was laying next to her with his hands in a prayer position.

So often I think of him, especially when my daughters are involved. When I watch Phoebe dance, I sigh inwardly and realize how proud he would be for her. Phoebe is the only grandchild who got to know my Dad at all. At his memorial service, I was so proud of her when she chose to speak. She said that if it weren't for her grandfather, she might not be pursuing a career in dance, following her dream; but because he had always done that, she realized that it could, and should, be done (not verbatim, but that was the upshot). When Willa is singing, I wonder how much of her musicality she got from him and I imagine that he (and Nancy, now) are watching from the wings, clapping and smiling.

It's easy to write this rather moody entry today. It's gray and the clouds are clinging to the trees, beautiful but desolate. The leaves are molding away on the grass where I haven't yet raked.... and probably won't. Dried up blossoms hang on for dear life onto the butterfly tree that just a few months ago fed hungry butterflies and my darling hummingbirds. But I'll quote a Patti Smith song here to try to get my mind on more festive subjects. It's from "Farewell Reel" which Matt sang at Dad's memorial...

But I don't know why
but when it rains
it rains on me
the sky just opens
and when it rains
it pours
But I look up
and a rainbow appears
like a smile from heaven
and darling I can't
help thinking that smile
is yours

Ah Thanksgiving!

2008-11-29T16:32:00.009-05:00

Thanksgiving, 1990: Robert Bernat, Gabby Mejia, Nancy Bernat, Phoebe (Miller) Kelly, me, Matt, Becky Bernat O'Hara, Betsy Bernat Kuhn, Greg Kuhn

Thanksgiving.

From "Thank You World" by World Party:

Colours, scents and symphony
Fall on me like tears.
And time around me stretches back
And forth across the years.
Was I sent to see your beauty
Just to please my aching heart.
Well I want to say good morning
But I don't know where to start.
Thank you World.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving this year was coming home in the car after spending the day with Matt's family. I haven't been feeling well all week, and I hadn't really been up for all the clamor of dinner, and getting ready for it. It was an OK day, considering. But on the way home, there was darkness all around once we got past Frederick, all the frenetic travelers going back and forth to Washington had pretty much gone away. We had already hashed through why certain family members were the way they are, laughing at things that had been said and done, discussing the reasons why kosher law prohibits eating turkey at the same meal with dairy. Now Matt was driving, pretty much in his own world, and we were listening to music that I was DJing from my iPod. I played all my favorite mellow songs: "Only Living Boy in New York" by Simon and Garfunkel, "Fountain of Good" by the Angel Band, "Southern Cross" by Patti Smith, "When the Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash. Willa was quiet in the back, probably listening to her own iPod. It was her 14th birthday, maybe she was having some thoughts about that. I was thinking about the past as I often do on holidays, remembering where I was 15, 20, even 40 years ago. Weird little memories; the dress I wore at one of the Thanksgiving dinners with my dad; the Thanksgiving dinner with high school friends where for some reason, we ate everything with our fingers; Thanksgiving dinners in Indiana, sitting around our dining room table with a few friends and our family. I remember a Thanksgiving in Johnstown, when our housekeeper Martilia was there helping out: someone wanted to take a picture of everyone, and she was nervous about having her picture taken with us for some reason. What could that have been? I wondered about that for awhile. I especially treasure memories of the Thanksgivings with my father - later in his life, he would rent a large house or two in a resort where he could spend the holidays with me and my sisters and our families. We did that for 4 or 5 years in a row, and then when he married Nancy, we would have Thanksgivings at their house north of Pittsburgh.

Then we arrived. Home. The stars stretched out forever; Jupiter and Venus hung in the southwestern sky. The air smelled crisp and bright, full of promise. I didn't fall asleep for a long time that night.

Happy Birthday Senator Byrd!

2008-11-21T08:31:00.005-05:00

Senator Byrd signs my copy of the Constitution at Shepherd University, September 16, 2005

I first realized what a great man you are when you made your speech against entering the Iraq war. I felt your passion coming right through my TV screen and I found myself hollering along with you! Then my daughter and I attended Constitution Day at Shepherd University a few years ago. I felt amazed as you made your way to the lectern and gave your scholarly speech on the Constitution. Afterwards we went to the reception and received our autographed copies of the Constitution personally from you. When you found out I was from Berkeley Springs, you told me how you used to play the fiddle in Berkeley Springs State Park... and I now I think about the incredible life you've had.

From the coalfields of southern West Virginia, you wore many hats: welder in WWII, gas station attendant, you served in the State Senate, became a U.S. Representative, and then you earned your law degree while serving in the U.S. Senate. When people remind me that you were once a segregationist, I point out that it takes a thinking man to change his mind. You even had a brief career as an actor, in "Gods and Generals." Your tender side was revealed when we saw you weep over Senator Kennedy's health. Known for bringing tons of money to West Virginia, maybe your most incredible coup was convincing the Coast Guard to locate a base in coastless West Virginia! Anyway, this one's for you Senator Byrd. Happy birthday!

Tri-State Community Health

2008-11-18T17:14:00.011-05:00

Strange things are still going on at Tri-State Community Health. Those of you who have been following my blog since last May will recall that, upon attempting to file a grievance on behalf of more than 50 employees, my husband was fired "without cause" by the Executive Director. The grievance had to do with the behaviour of the Executive Director, who was responsible for poor morale and high turnover among staff, which in turn, was effecting the community health care facilities' ability to provide good patient care. There was drama, drama, drama -- patients uprising, editorials were written, other doctors protested, he even thought he might get his job back at one point -- but now he's working at another community health center, happy to have it behind him. Last month the Executive Director that fired him quit suddenly, with just a 2 week notice.

Now it seems that the Board that fired my husband has fired two Ob/Gyn doctors from the Cumberland practice after the doctors attempted to file a grievance (sounds familiar)?

This is happening in an era when it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to staff primary care positions, especially in community health centers where physicians are usually paid less than their private practice colleagues. The Executive Director herself acknowledged this problem when Tri-State was the recipient of a Federal grant in 2005:

"A ripple affect is occurring here," said DeShong in a press release. "Obstetrical services are desperately needed with about 1,100 babies born each year. Nearly 58% of the mothers are on medical assistance and only two of the currently remaining five OB/ GYN doctors in the county will accept medical assistance patients."

Now the Women's Health Center in Cumberland, whose clientele consists at least partially of underserved, pregnant women, has half the staff it did before it fired these two physicians. You have to wonder. If services are so desperately needed, maybe somebody should start actually listening to doctors and other staff when they have a problem.

I'll post more about this story as it becomes available, because I believe patients in our area deserve to know what's going on: the Board of Tri-State obviously doesn't want to hear anything from its physicians that might require some rethinking of priorities or their management style. It's the bottom line and sticking their heads in the sand, and getting rid of anyone who attempts to raise any rabble. And That's What's Going On.

11/29/08 UPDATE: As of this weekend, nothing has been publicly released about the reason the two physicians were fired. We do know that they were NOT fired because of any wrongdoing. The fact is, they were fired immediately upon filing the grievance. Just like someone else we know.

Health Care for ALL!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-11T12:58:00.008-05:00

Good afternoon all my friends,
I'm writing to you because I strongly believe that the time has come to start rallying for a new era in America. I've been inspired by our President-Elect, but I realize change will only come if we all get involved in some even small way. I've decided that my "small way" will be to advocate for something that we Americans have deserved for a long time - health care for ALL. As the wife of a Family Physician, I've heard too many stories about patients unable to pay for their care. Patients who are passing up important diagnostic tests, skipping their prescriptions entirely or "cheating" on their doses, and not
getting treated for diseases and injuries are part of my husband's everyday practice. He works in a community health center, where primary care is given regardless of ability to pay: which is fine until a patient needs something beyond that primary care.

There are several excellent websites where you can go to read about single-payer health systems:

Simple facts about single-payer systems

Health Care Now (be sure to visit the link that lets you download a letter to Senator Kennedy - print it out and sign it!)

This website will take care of all those nay-sayers who say Canada's health system is broken, I think

And be sure to read about the day-to-day life of a Family Physician working in the current system- Yes, it's Matt's new blog!

I encourage you to get involved in this issue; if not this issue, some other issue near to your heart. We can't just sit back now that the election is over -- President-elect Obama needs us ALL!

What do you do with your old campaign signs?

2008-11-07T19:41:00.002-05:00

I've heard of people making boxes out of the cardboard ones. I have used the metal frames to make wonderful plant stakes. I have no idea what to do with the vinyl signs. But Anne Johnson had a brilliant idea, and it makes me wish I had a place as meaningful as she did for her sign's final resting place

'Nuf said. If you shed happy tears over the election already, this post will make you shed melancholy tears...

YESSSSSSS

2008-11-06T12:12:00.005-05:00

Stacy Dugan comes to celebrate her victory at our party at the Fairfax Coffee Shop in Berkeley Springs. GO DEMS! What a night....

Although West Virginia embarrassed us with its overtly Republican vote, we may have caused the McCain campaign to pull enough resources from other states when it looked like WVa might actually go Blue to help us with those other states (ugh sorry about that sentence):

We did Our Part

When you look at the West Virginia electoral map, I'd really like to understand what made those 7 counties go Blue. I know that Jefferson benefits from a large number of DC transplants. I see that McDowell county has a population of 11% African Americans -- but when you look at the voting shifts on the New York Times website (see below), it looks like there are fewer Democrats than in 2004.... How do you translate these trends into winning an election?

I love this map from the New York Times. Check out the "Became more Republican" compared to those regions that became "more Democrat." I love that the trend in Morgan is towards the Democrats. Check out the Zoom feature... fun to play with.

Would this have been so much fun to play with if we'd lost? Let's not go there! Our candidate for County Commission Stacy Dugan won, making it the first time in Morgan County history that anyone can remember has had a majority Democratic Commission!

Now I need to get back to "normal" life whatever that is... the holidays are looming!

Raising Girls

2008-11-03T10:15:00.006-05:00

Post-Sunday show, Henry the "voice of Audrey II," Seymour, and Audrey relive some moments MORE PICTURES

OK, it's the day before the election so of course I am so distracted! And no wonder. In between sneaking peeks at MSNBC, I had most of my family here this weekend for Little Shop of Horrors, and of course, we attended every show since Wednesday night! I had Phoebe here from New York... picked her up on Thursday and got my precious Mom time in during our ride home from the train station -- really the only time I got to spend alone with her. I'm pretty much in awe of her always... how she's managed to build such a nice life for herself with Jonathan, especially after the chaos of our family during her younger years. I suppose I always had the fear that she would cling to the first man that paid any attention to her, choosing the chaos that she had become used to.... but she really seems to have learned from that. Jonathan is a sweet gentle man, smart, funny, and adoring. Despite living in the City that Never Sleeps, they do more than survive by making sure they have time carved out for themselves and each other. I can't believe they are the same age that I was when I ended my marriage to her dad. At 31, I felt so immature and vulnerable. They seem so grounded and supportive of each other. When I think of people with good marriages, I always think of them...

Then there is my Younger. She's 13 but she just got done playing a 20-something in Little Shop, a rather provocative 20-something at that, who is pretty much unaware of her charms and the effect it's having on Poor Seymour. She totally got off on this role -- she got to wear sexy clothes and high-heels and lots of makeup, act ditzy, and she got to sing! During the show, a few people, after lauding her beautiful singing voice and acting, asked me if it made me uncomfortable -- I realize she's acting, but probably exploiting her inner Lolita, so yeah, maybe it makes me a little uncomfortable, but I am not going to suppress this girl's wonderful spirit... She is a rather, shall-we-say adventurous type, not afraid of boys at all, and becoming aware of the power that comes with attraction. I've been watching her grow up with the same set of girlfriends since kindergarten. It's been a real study, watching them grow up during this time. It seems that the fact that my Younger Daughter's "maturity"is frightening to some of her friends, and they're calling her on it. She doesn't seem to care... Also her drive to be on stage is off-putting to some of them too -- they think she's doing it to show off, or whatever, I don't even know... but I think she truly just loves being on the stage (you'd have to ask her dad about that!). Anyway, I've seen that a few of them are growing up differently -- I don't want to say "apart," just differently, and some of those few are rather threatened by that... they seem to think that they all have to grow up at the same time, liking the same things, doing the same things, or something's wrong... and it can't be them! so it must be her! so there are rumors and bad-talking, especially by one of the girls who seems especially threatened by her and seems to be able to stir up the other girls and try to make them pick "sides" for goodness sakes!.... Thank goodness there are one or two who actually appreciate each other's differences enough to find their common ground, and those I suppose are true friends. I don't get in the middle of it, but she does tell me everything that she's heard, and although she doesn't seem to get mad or sad about it, I worry that she might alter her wonderful sense of self to fit someone else's idea of what's Right for a Girl. I certainly realize that she's probably not blameless. Maybe she's been saying bad stuff too, I don't know, or maybe she's totally obnoxious around them. I think about movies like "Mean Girls" and "Heathers" and I know they're not based purely on fiction! I just tell her to try to be nice to everyone even if you know they're talking about you -- and keep your eyes on the prize whatever that may be, and rise above it. Ah, I'm going to miss these days some day, I suppose!

So tomorrow is the election. I'm not on pins and needles. Anytime anybody asks me if I'm nervous, I say No. I would rather look back on these days and remember how happy and hopeful we were, rather than anxious and scared. Let's hope it all works out!

one more week!

2008-10-28T18:12:00.008-04:00

Phoebe, Dante and Company following the incredibly successful dress rehearsal performance of Nobody Suspects a Butterfly....

One more week and we get a new President! How about that... I'm feeling a lot more confident than I was even before the primaries. In fact I'm feeling Happy. Some people that I've been talking to are afraid to feel happy or hopeful... but I decided, ok, suppose The Worst Thing happens, and McPain wins. At least I can remember feeling hopeful and not anxious the entire time this thing's been going on.

I'm in the Morgan County Democrats headquarters right now. It's quiet -- 6:00, people are on their way home from work and it's a damn ugly night -- very windy and the first truly cold night we've had yet. I don't expect anyone to come in, although I have a nice supply of yard signs. I have a call list but I am admitting right here that I hate making phone calls and I can only do it if I'm exactly the right mood. I called about 35 people earlier today --- got mostly voice mail, so I left lots of chirpy messages about voting the straight Democratic ticket... got three straight-ahead Go Obama people, maybe 8 "I don't talk about politics to strangers on the phone," and maybe 2 hang-ups. That's the way it goes!

The play has been going really really well! Willa is a star! She and Patrick have great chemistry, and she has a convincing little New Yawk accent -- it goes without saying that her ditzy character comes pretty naturally! She's really enjoying herself, and haven't been any meltdowns since the homework incident last week or whenever that was. I'm looking forward to seeing it again and again this weekend! Phoebe, mom, Betsy and the boys will be here so it'll be a nice little family reunion too. Last weekend it as the Hahns -- Jack, David, Randee and Rachel, very nice.

My quick trip to New York was wonderful -- Nobody Suspects a Butterfly was an amazing, but very very sad, play. I loved how the director used the dancers as each suicidal football player's spirit - it made for a very ethereal atmosphere. I was so proud of my Phoebe... not only was her dancing way beyond par, but she was also the dance captain for the show.

Well I think I'll wrap things up here and go and read some of my favorite blogs! See you there!

Hell Week

2008-10-21T19:00:00.003-04:00

Yeah, Hell Week. It's the week that play rehearsal is coming to an end and the PLAY opens. It's the week that I just hold my breath, waiting for the daily meltdown, realizing there is very little I can do about it! What will trigger it? It doesn't matter. So tonight I let her talk to her dad, who is working late.... and rubbed her back and talked to her about how she was going to manage those 2 tests and 2 papers that will be due right after the play is over... and it was over for 20 minutes. Then the tidal wave came in again, and it was all about having to leave for rehearsal early because, GOD FORBID, I had something I had to do... ack! ack! ack! But now she's there, and I'm here, listening to the wind outside. How did autumn get here so quickly?! This is like Thanksgiving weather already! This morning was all gray and cold and windy and the only good thing that happened was the sun came out. That's when I went into the sunroom, stretched out on the little futon thing we have in there, and pretended I was on the beach. Ah!

So this time tomorrow night I'll be in New York, watching Phoebe dance! I've tried to remember if she had these drama fits or not when she was Willa's age and I really can't remember. So maybe not. I'm getting the train in Middletown - it's about a 2 hour drive, the station has free, easy parking, and then I get to sit in a nice comfy seat for 3 hours and read, or listen to a podcast, or my goodness, even sleep. I'll arrive at Penn Station, hop the train to the Upper West Side, mabe hang out with my wonderful son-in-law fora little bit... the whole thing will go by so quickly. It's always so disorienting to spend just a day in the city and then come home to Berkeley Springs, it seems like a dream. A good ream! Then that night is Willa's opening night.... whee.

OK blogger is being really spastic so I'll write when I get back, maybe with some pictures....

I am the Mother

2008-10-17T22:24:00.004-04:00

So life has been moving pretty fast these days. Willa is in a show, which means rehearsal every night, on top of homework and the usual drama of being a 13-year old. Matt is as busy as ever, bringing revolution to the practice of medicine in a laptop, and playing his music. I'm usually the slacker of the family -- well ok I'm not a slacker but my life is pretty... casual. I am home most every day, cooking the meals, washing the clothes, paying the bills and balancing the checkbook, answering the phone blah blah blah. And it's a pretty sweet life I might add. I actually find the life of a housewife pretty nice. I get to do volunteer projects, hang out with friends during the day if I want, and occassionally make some art. But I've been totally sucked into the Obama thing, convinced that if I'm not spending every spare moment dedicated to getting him elected, my life and everyone else's will go down the drain. I'm not alone; I've heard this from others who feel the same way. So I'm making my Neighbor-to-Neighbor calls, staffing the office, making sure there are volunteers in there every day, or being in there myself, emailing people to do stuff, going to meetings, writing, etc. etc. And I thought I was handling it ok.

Then came Wednesday, my birthday. I was exhilirated to have the chance to early vote for Obama and the rest of the Campaign for Change candidates. Everything was going great. I voted, had our little celebration at the HQ, went to Martinsburg for a GOTV meeting, came home, did a few little things, had another meeting in Berkeley Springs with some of the local Dems, and then went to the Debate party. Met Willa after her rehearsal and went home, fully expecting to go to bed, totally exhausted (but still happy!). Next thing I know, she's tearing her hair out. It turns out she has 3 tests the next day! 3 tests! OK. I had let her stay home that day, because she came to the early voting/birthday thing that morning and it seemed weird to go to school after that. She had also been home Monday because we had agreed that she could have a day off during the week to study lines for the play. So she'd had two days off during the week. Why hadn't she studied? Agh. So we were fighting, not loudly, but in loud whispers. So of course this woke up Matt who came downstairs to see what was going on at 11:30 at night.... and of course he started yelling at Willa too. And he was mad at me, too! He even made a remark about how I was never home anymore! Wow. It was so 1950's.

So the next day I was thinking, and I realized. Everything had been pretty fine until I got all involved in my extracurricular activity. I had time to bug Willa about studying, and helped her get ready for tests, and even made sad little attempts to help her with her geometry (ugh). I was home every night to make really good dinners - I am an excellent cook if I do say so myself... anyway there were a lot of little things amiss that made the two of them feel a bit off kilter. And I think it led to this small explosion. Maybe I'm being narcissistic to believe that our little world could become unglued because of *me* but I think that's what happened. It is a bit disconcerting to realize I have that much control and influence on two lives. But I guess that's what I get for being in a family!

Anyway I love these two a lot. A whole lot. So I'm going to cut back... a bit. Tonight I had to go in to the HQ and Matt offered to go with me. That was really sweet. It showed me that he respects what I'm doing. Actually I don't have much choice but to cut back. With Willa's play happening for the last two weekends of October, it's going to keep me pretty busy keeping her calm, fed, and rested.

And Wednesday I'm deserting them to go see Phoebe in New York! It's going to be a banner week for me -- Phoebe dancing in a Nobody Suspects a Butterfly in New York, and my Willa in "Little Shop of Horrors" the night I come home... wow.

Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Early Voting!

2008-10-17T08:25:00.005-04:00

Yep, I got to be the first one in my county to Vote for Change. We gathered at our HQ, waved signs, then went and stood in line until the Clerk's Office opened in our "courthouse." I was handed ballot #0001 and I pulled the trigger on Change! YAYAYAYAYAYAY! Thanks to all who joined us -- now the rest of you get out there and Vote early and Often!!!

Let Change begin.

so much to think about

2008-10-14T08:24:00.002-04:00

I was walking my dog this morning -- it's a beautiful day, full of misty sunlight, sparkly spider webs everywhere, milkweed pods bursting... and I was thinking. Last night I got very annoyed at my darling husband. I had just snuggled into bed, totally exhausted, when he called me downstairs to look at something.... I replied that there had better be a huge possom in the kitchen or something else that demanded my actual physical presence, and went down to find him staring at an email forwarded from our friend at the Arlington Institute, another doomsday prediction. This message remarked that he had very strong feelings that something catastrophic would be happening yesterday or today and strongly encourages people to stay away from DC and NYC. That's a really nice bed-time story. I have a daughter and son-in-law in NY and Matt has family in both cities. So I was mad at him for making me read that before I tried to sleep, and I was annoyed because I don't really believe in web bots.

But then on my walk, after sleeping through all of that, of course it got me to thinking. Did I have enough canned goods and dry cereal, toilet paper, and water to get us through a disaster? (no). Would I have the where-with-all to emotionally get through something like that (I don't think I do). Should I buy a gun, to defend my family against possible alien attacks, or something else (hmmmm. Maybe a bow and arrow) or just to hunt to survive? The practical stuff.

And I started thinking about dying. I'm going to be 53 tomorrow, 10 years younger than my dad when he died of lung cancer. What would he have done differently, if he had known he only had another 10 years to live? Probably nothing, except maybe find his wife Nancy sooner. He was doing exactly what he wanted to do, making music for real people. I feel like I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing: raising my daughter, being in love with my husband, surrounded by real friends in a beautiful region in a nice house living a not-too-complicated life, having enough to eat, etc. I never aspired to be anything huge, never wanted to be a movie star or a rock star, or live in a huge house with staff, or sail around the world. So I guess I'm lucky that way! I decided that I could die a happy woman if I just knew that my two girls were happy. Daughter One seems very happy. She has an adoring husband and believes in the work that she does. They make enough money to live in the Upper West Side and take nice little trips now and then. Daughter Two is 13, so she gravitates between delirious happy and just plain delirious; she's doing what she wants right now, though I think, and that is acting. She has a nice circle of friends and does well in school.

OK That's enough morbidity! Let's just say this -- no, I don't want to die right now, whether from natural causes or from an alien's raygun. But I'm happy. And tomorrow's my birthday!

Then on my way home in the car, I was listening to NPR go on about how the government is saving the "ailing bank industry." As a result, the government is practically nationalizing banking! OK, do what you have to do to save our 401Ks, our IRAs, our mortgages, whatever. But why can't we do the same for health care? Studies estimate that the number of excess deaths among uninsured adults age 25-64 is in the range of 18,000 a year. This mortality figure is more than the number of deaths from diabetes (17,500) within the same age group.(for more information on facts/figures). Isn't this a national emergency? 18,000 people dying a year, and countless others going broke trying to pay their bills? Isn't there some way to figure this out?

Anyway. That's what I've been thinking about the past 2 hours since I walked out the door. Now I have to put all that aside and do some work. Have a nice day!

So Busy

2008-10-13T21:28:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted for over a week I think! We have been so busy since we opened the Campaign for Change headquarters. Although I have been able to staff it pretty consistently, I still need to go over there to open it and close it, and be there when it's not staffed. This past weekend was the Apple Butter Festival, so I was there pretty much all weekend. We had purchased 75 yard signs, about 150 buttons and we probably had about 150 bumperstickers on hand -- they were all GONE by 1:00 pm Saturday. So we had no Obama merchandise available, but people still poured into the headquarters and swarmed our tables we had set outside. The crowds were great, the weather was fine -- another banner weekend in Berkeley Springs. Jane Doyle and I were once again judges in the Beard Contest...and Matt MCed the Hog Callin' contest. Yep, we're pretty much pillars of Morgan County society! A nice surpise was that Joe Mogus came to town for the Festival, although he really wasn't around that much -- we just had drinks on Friday night and then he had to go to a class reunion in PA. He may be around for our big big party this Saturday night though.

Saturday night was another fun night at the Troubadour. Yes, it was the Tonehounds doing their thing again, joined for a really rocking set by Angela and Matt! Everybody was on the dance floor. All our friends were there, and I had one of those crystalline joyful moments that you're sure you'll always remember. it actually came while Jim McCoy was singing "Waltz Across Texas" in that beautiful gravelly voice of his.... I just looked around the room -- there were Matt and Angela on the stage, Angela looking stunning with her beautiful curly blonde hair and a serene expression on her face == my husband Matt grinning widely in his sparkly red suit... my friends sitting around me. Happy!

So the next 3 weeks are going to be totally crazy. Obama is supposedly ahead in WV by 8 points, according to an American Research Group poll. I've been hearing a lot about the Bradley effect, the one where people answer that they're voting for a black candidate even though they won't. But I don't know. I don't really trust the 8 points, but something feels good lately. I had an older man come in today who was apparently a state magistrate (is there such a thing), now retired, who had put up an Obama sign. Overnight, it was torn apart and left in his driveway. He wanted another one -- I had one left, that I believe might've been saved for someone, but I gave it to him. He remarked that he was really really mad about this and goddarn it, he wanted a bumper sticker for his car. I didn't have any of those either, but I did have a bumper-magnet that I got free for donating money, so I gave that to him.... and there are other stories like that.

Wednesday is my birthday! We're going to go to the headquarters and meet other folks for an early voting celebration. I want to be the first person in Morgan County to vote for Barack Obama! We'll go to the county clerk's office and vote, then come back to the HQ and do a sign-wave for a bit. Then, we'll have cake!

OK that's all I can ruminate right now. More later.... I must go to bed....

wow it's been weeks

2008-10-07T23:35:00.005-04:00

I haven't posted for weeks! Unbelievable... but I have been busy people, trying to do whatever I can to flip at least this part of West Virginia to the blue side. We opened our first Democratic headquarters ever (as far as I know) in Berkeley Springs last Friday night and had a huge crowd (125, which is a lot for this little town!). Our candidate running against Shelley Moore Capito, Anne Barth, was there to cut the ribbon. It was fun fun fun!

So I'm in charge of staffing it with volunteers. I'm really happy with the number of people that have signed up! Most of them are via our Obama volunteer list, but I'm getting a fair number of people who are also very concerned with the local races, particularly the one involving our county commission. We are running Stacy Dugan against a lifer commissioner. She's a smart young woman and of course the Repubs are trying to swing the inexperience thing at her, but I don't think it's gonna work.

Anyway that's what I've been doing... along with the debate parties which Chuck at the Fairfax Coffee House has been nice enough to host in his recently added bar. Up until tonight's debate, we had a nice crowd; this evening for some reason we only had a handful but maybe they had a premonition that it was going to be booooring -- which it was. Tom Brokaw as much as I love him was not that invigorating and the candidates were really bad at answering questions at all, and within the time frame. I really wanted to hear something I didn't already know. But whatever, it was still a big win for Obama. John McCain really has to stop all that walking around on stage. Is he trying to show how spry he is? If so, it's not working. He looked stiff -- and to paraphrase someone from Daily Kos, it looked like he was walking an invisible dog on an invisible leash. Maybe he thought he was walking a dog. I don't know.

I had an interesting response to my canvassing tonight. I was using the "Neighbor to Neighbor" tool on the Barack Obama website to call people. I wasn't entirely confortable with this -- probably most of my neighbors don't actually want me to know how they're voting, and would probably rather talk to a stranger -- but anyway. I called someone I didn't recognize and asked him how he thought he'd be voting. His response: "Well, we've pretty much decided to vote for that colored boy." I had to ask -- "So you're voting for Barack Obama?" Yes, he is. Well, I guess that's ok!

I'm going to have a post-election let down, no matter who wins (Yes, it's going to be Obama, I know!) similar to the one I feel following the Fairie Festival. All this work, all this anxiety, this all-consuming energy, will no longer be needed after November 4! I'll have to find something else to do -- or not. Of course the holidays will be coming, oh joy! And then, yes, the Fairie Festival.... oh multiple joy!

Did you hear about the web bots? They apparently are spreading the rumor that something awful awful awful is going to happen TODAY... or October 21... or sometime around then. Read the linked article and then Google "Web bot October 7" The Arlington Institute is right here in Berkeley Springs, so we are especially in the know here! Strange, but interesting. Be aware! Be alert! Make sure you have plenty of toilet paper, water, and canned stuff.

OK, I have to go try to figure out how to counteract a huge cup of Americano and a can of Vanilla Coke Zero now and try to get some sleep... ciao!

Ding Dong! It's on the AP wire!?

2008-09-23T19:45:00.004-04:00

Wow?

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead but the Drama Lives On

2008-09-22T11:27:00.011-04:00

So we got the news Thursday that She-Who-Won't-Be-Named has resigned with a two-week notice! Yes, after spending 20 months at Tri-State, during most of which time she created chaos, at least in our personal life, as well as for Matt's beloved patients, and involving everyone from the local community to possibly the attention of a US Representative, she's leaving with a TWO WEEK NOTICE. This is an Executive Director, responsible for the workings of a 4-site community health center. Hmmm.

Yeah.

My husband worked at Tri-State for 8 years. He won awards. He made house calls. He established a system of charting medical records that streamlined office visits. His re-engineering team won accolades from representatives from HRSA, the agency responsible for community health center oversight, saying that the health center in Hancock was one of the best-run practices in the system. Perhaps he set the bar a bit high for his colleagues, but why should the uninsured and underinsured be given anything less than the best care in the world? When he made grievances of 57 of his colleagues known to the Board and the Executive Director last spring, he was FIRED. (Remember, the ED had only been there 16 months when this all happened.) Not only that, but the ED and at least one of the Board members slunk around suggesting that he had been fired "for his own protection." Now what would that imply to you? They cultivated an atmosphre of fear and intimidation, so much so that not one of the people who signed the grievance letter in Hancock would stand up and be counted. In fact, when the news that she had resigned came out, at least one staff person thought it was a trap so she could find out who supported her! That's really sad. but people make their own Hell. I have a feeling the ED knew exactly what kind of people she was dealing with and exploited it for all she's worth. I hope she's happy back in Montana, or wherever she's going to hide. But I hope these words from Jeanne Mozier ring in her ears forever:

"When Tri-State suffers its inevitable decline if not demise from this - and there is no better word for it - STUPID and shortsighted decision of yours, I hope all fingers point in your direction and you are individually and collectively prepared to carry the burden of your actions forever."

The Markets are sick and the hummingbird is dead....

2008-09-17T18:13:00.009-04:00

My desk faces my backyard window, and I've installed a hummingbird feeder right outside so I can watch the antics of the little buzzers as they fight over the sugar water. Just this afternoon I was outside picking at some weeds when one of them defiantly hovered right in front of me to get a sip of his delicious treat. "He's getting used to me," I thought... Later in the day I looked out and noticed an enormous preying mantis was hanging out, leisurely eating the ants that gather on the feeder to share the sugar. I thought briefly about how well it worked out for everybody (except for the ants). I even went out and took a picture of him cleaning up the ant crumbs when he was done! So this afternoon when it was time to take Willa to rehearsal I was horrified to find one of the hummingbirds dead on my pavement outside of my big sliding glass doors - he must've knocked himself out, thinking his reflection was an opponent. I left him there for a long time, hoping he was just stunned. But not. He was dead. His little tiny neck was broken. I cursed my windows, but spent some time marveling at the tiny little creature in my hand. His little legs were poised delicately underneath him, barely as thick as the embroidery thread I use. His long tongue was sticking out of his mouth -- not an attractive way to die for most beasts, but on him, it was not... I thought about what it must be like to live on sugar all your life and felt a bit envious. I muttered a few words, asked permission, and then plucked just a few of his exquisite little feathers out -- I will sew them into something to give it magical properties. Then I got a bit of David and Dorita Reyen's beautiful fabric, crawled under the tree that I usually see them flying into and laid him to rest at the bottom of it, and covered him up.

The world is less one hummingbird! If a butterfly flapping its wings can cause hurricanes, what can a hummingbird's death do?!

I have to admit, I've been feeling sick all day. Thus I suppose my post is a bit on the sullen side... I'll feel better tomorrow. Let's hope the rest of the world is too!

WV Interns for Obama WANTED!

2008-09-16T09:19:00.003-04:00

Apply at the Campaign for Change headquarters in Martinsburg or click here to email!

Handy Hint from the Hillbilly Fairy

2008-09-12T18:10:00.004-04:00

Yes, now and then I actually post something useful.

This is the best method for hemming jeans -- it retains the cool jean hem, you can do it on a machine, and it takes about 10 minutes max!

... and the dust settles

2008-09-10T22:18:00.000-04:00

Watch this

You know being a domestic goddess is not always what it's cracked up to be. Sometimes you forget to put the vodka in the freezer and you have to drink it warm. Other times the satellite goes out, and you can't watch the soaps. Damn! I hate when that happens. Or your husband eats all your goddamn bon bons. That's the WORST and can send me into tirades so fierce that the dog hides under the pillow!

But today was very frustrating. In The beginning, I was having a pretty productive day. I did a kick ass workout via P90X, the legs and back. Ouch! Sitting squats are hard. Then, feeling energized, I decided to go and attack all the bad things growing in my yard. Russian olives pushing out my nice American Redbuds! Multiflora choking the weeping willow!I put on my farmer pants, my long sleeved shirt, gloves, socks and shoes and went out there and started hacking. I imagined every jagger bush was Sara Pale-One as I went at it... Snip! Snip! Snip! Yee Haw. I got out my little hacksaw and started in on the Russian Olives -- There's your "Change" Senator McPain! I laughed as I thought of Obama delivering his little joke about the pig and the lipstick, the old fish wrapped in paper and thought OK, maybe he was talking about Pale-One and McPain! Can't they take a fucking joke?!?! It was FUNNY! He took John McPain (and countless other Rethuglicans)'s line and turned it back on them! Whatever. Anyway. I became hot, and a bit bored, plus I had all kinds of puncture wounds, scrapes, and annoying gnat bites on my eye and decided the war was over, at least until tomorrow.

So I went in the house, hungry as all get out. But there was the vacuum cleaner where I left it yesterday, at the top of the stairs, left after it overheated and stopped working. Damn. I really should finish that up, I thought. After all, I just had to vacuum the stairs and I'm done! Five Minutes! And really, those big clots of dog hair on each riser really is gross. So I started up the vac and merrily set out to do the job. Two stairs into it and the vac stopped, overheated again! What?! I emptied it. I cleaned all three filters. Turned it on. Vacuumed two more steps. That was it, it overheated AGAIN. Ack Ack Ack. Why can't these things just WORK?! I swear sometimes i get so dusty taking this thing apart to fix it it's not even worth it. Ok. I look at it and notice the flexible hose is all kinked up. I take it off the vac and stretch it out. It seems like there's somethign stuck inside. I put my eye at one end, stretch it out and peek in. What's that? It looks like a star. A silver star, one of those thick foil star embellishments i used on a costume once. Damn. And look, above it, a big huge clot of dog hair. OK. So I use my flexible thing a ma jig to start digging it out. Finally after wrestling for awhile, the dog hair comes out. Where's the star? Oh my god it's still in there. I wack the hose. It's stuck. I wack it some more, no it's still in there! I hook it back up and vacuum for two more stairs but then it stops -- the damn star is clogging up with all the dog hair that's getting stuck in there! This is crazy. Now a 5 minute job has taken 25 minutes - so far. Now I have the flexible thingee and I'm digging away, and finally I get the second clot of dog hair out. But the damn star is still in there! This is *really* crazy. I get my flexible thingee and really dig around in there. Nothing! Nothing! I find some light fabric, wrap it around the flexible thingee so there's more traction and start digging again. More dog hair. The Star Is Still In There. OK, here I go. I put my mouth over the end of the hose and BLOW. And BLOW. And BLOW. I peek back in. Hey, the star has moved a little bit! I keep it up. I'm sitting on the stairs this whole time, and after about 5 minutes of this I realize I'e been inhaling dust from the hose and I'm hyperventilating. I'm getting dizzy! I take a little rest and whack the hose around a little bit more. Oh My God. I can't believe it's still in there.

Anyway, I sense you're getting bored. Long story less long, it took me 90 minutes to get the damn Vacuum working. And now the stairs are hairless. Ah.

Not my best day. But I did make some kick-ass Kung Pao Shrimp and Sichuan String Beans for dinner. I love Cooking Light magazine... My little vegetarian loved the string beans and Matt had two helpings of both.

Really, that lipstick on a pig thing. C'mon! Chris Matthews was pretty funny tonight - he had on a McPain campaign official. He kept asking the dude "So, do you think that Obama was calling Sara Palin a pig?" He showed the video of Obama at the rally; he showed clips of mcPain using the same line, one in which he was aiming it at Hillary. It's amazing how the McPain people are using this and how gullible his followers are - there are some pretty nasty comments on YouTube and I imagine the blogs are howling.

P90X FInal week!

2008-09-09T10:10:00.001-04:00

If you know me at all, you know I am a bit obsessed with wellness. My husband is a family practice physician and he is all about prevention. We've always been regular exercisers, fairly healthy eaters, and as a result (i think), we haven't had any serious health issues. Of course we're still young middle-agers (he's 45, i'm almost 53). We've experimented with a lot of different types of exercise -- he's still a big runner -- we've been through Tai Kwon Do, Jazzercise (me, not him), Pilates (thanks, Phoebe!) weight lifting both at home and the gym, race walking, etc etc. So for his birthday last May I got him the P90X system. This is a series of 12 DVDs, each with a different type of exercise targetting different muscle groups each day, based on the theory that if you do the same type of exercise every day, your muscles (and the rest of you) become bored and the exercise becomes ineffective. So we've been doing it since late May. I'll be starting the final week on Thursday.

I'm pretty impressed. I wasn't in bad shape when I started. Still, the only workout DVD I can get completely through without skipping any reps or exercises is the Kenpo, which I absolutely love. Not only can I get through the whole thing, but I can get out any aggressions -- it came in very handy this spring when we were going through our ordeal. (I just hope that my body isn't so conditioned to imagining certain people when I do the punches and kicks, that it doesn't automatically throw a kick or punch if I ever see said certain people -- 'cause I'm pretty strong!) I notice a lot more definition in my upper body, and more strength in my legs. My tummy area is still not as lean as I would like, but the Ab Ripper (one of the DVDs) is extremely tough and I have to skip through about half the stuff -- I'll work up to it.

I've been following the "Lean" plan which is supposed to give you long, lean muscles and a good cardio workout. I think I'm going to repeat it when I'm done next week and try to improve on what I've done already.

Just so you know, I am not driven completely by vanity to keep in shape! I'm 5'6" and I used to weigh about 112, now I weigh about 122. I've had two kids since then, a hysterectomy, and I'm not nearly as active as I used to be. I used to live in the city where I would regularly walk at least 2 miles a day from my house to the subway, then to my office, and also work out, sometimes twice a day if there was a great class at the gym. Now I just work out an hour or so a day, with not much regular other activity. I have noticed that the less I weigh, the fewer back problems I have. So I really try to keep my weight down. And I know that if I keep my abdominals in shape my back will feel better. So I continue to work out and watch what I eat. Unfortunately, I've discovered that one of the worst things for me at least, is alcohol! I can eat my normal food, but after a weekend of drinking - and I don't mean heavy drinking, I'm talking maybe 5 drinks over the weekend -- I put on the pounds.

Anyway that's enough about me. What's your favorite workout? Or, what's your favorite excuse for not working out (mine is "I need to rest my muscles for a few days.")

pretty sure...

2008-09-08T08:40:00.001-04:00

...there is evil. I just refuse to capitalize it.

I think there is some truly deadly rotten dealing going on: souls being bartered. Here at home and on the national scene. Between the evil and perhaps, the blissfully ignorant, the ones who prefer to gloss things over until they don't see the stinking cesspool within. I don't usually believe in that stuff -- evil -- instead preferring to think blithely that "everything happens for a reason." But now I'm not so sure.

am i talking about you? maybe. probably not. My friends are real. Our real friends were with us, and still are, and I thank my lucky stars every day for them. I get my satisfaction in still believing in Karma. And that we make our Own Hell. I prefer to work in the Light. Although I admit a temptation for Darkness, I acknowledge that in myself and move on these days.

on the bigger front, how is it that a man who voted with his boss at least 90% of the time gets to rattle the Change saber? And people believe him? And I don't even begin to get this Pale-One thing. Women are relating to that? Are we really that stoopid?I understand that the Pale-One is every closet racist's excuse to vote for McPain. I understand that McPain is appealing to all the hate and fear that is out there. I just don't understand how people can vote out of Fear instead of for Hope.

OK, well here's some Hope -- and it doesn't even involve politics!

Biophony and other noises in the night

2008-09-03T23:24:00.000-04:00

I'm listening to the ch-ch-ch-ch of those noises in the forest. HAve you heard of biophony? It's a science that studies all that chatter out there -- the whine of the locusts, the cricking of the crickets, the hooting of the owl, even the occasional cough of the fox. Some believe that it's an elaborately planned symphony; ie, the animals are fully conscious of the music they're making together! Of course, you and I both know that there are fairies involved in this -- there are probably fairy conductors, right? (Why is it, then when I get all hot to write in my blog, the DSL decides to go down?)

Studio 360's Kurt Anderson did a story on biophony a week or so ago...Studio 360 is one of my favorite podcasts.

Yeah, podcasts. I'm addicted. I used to plan my weekends around shows like Studio 360 and This American Life. Now I just download them to my iPod and listen to them when I'm trying to fall asleep. I even download a really funny podcast that reviews the week of All My Children (oh, another addiction), Pine Valley Podcast. It's ridiculously funny. I love Selected Shorts too....

I was high during the week of the Democratic convention! Wasn't Obama's speech awesome? We had a kick-ass little party at the Country Inn to watch it. Even Biden's speech sparkled. Now I don't want to turn on my TV this week, afraid I'll accidentally see McPain or Pale-in. Did you get the viral email from "Anne Kilkenny"? At first all the bloggers thought she was fake; now it looks like she's real. Whatever. Although, after hearing about all the fake viral emails about Barack ("he's the Anti-Christ!" "He's Muslim!") I have to admit I felt a little smug. But i won't forward it. Politics is like my sport. I love watching the polls like some people watch scores. I love my team and all its players -- they can do no wrong! I cheer and get all crazy. I wear the t-shirts! I wear buttons! My car is all decked out with Obama's face -- I took the cover of the Rolling Stone magazine witih him on it and stuck it in my window so it looks like he's my passenger.

So Willa ended up getting the lead for Little Shop of Horrors! After being cast in the chorus a couple of weeks ago (and being happy just to be in the show), we were sitting in the Mexican restaurant Saturday night when Matt's cell phone rang... it was one of the directors. She asked Willa if she'd consider being Audrey (of course, we couldn't hear what she was saying -- we were just watching Willa's face go through about a thousand different expressions -- and oh yeah she kept shrieking). I guess the Audrey they originally cast wasn't able to do the part or something... whatever! Her loss is Willa's gain -- she is so happy. And of course, I'm happy for her ! ;>

Bittersweet weekend in Berkeley Springs -- it was the last weekend for the Concerts in the Park which always signals the end of the Summer for me. But it started out goofily enough. The Arts Council was having an art opening at the Ice House, and spiced it up by creating a "photo Booth." Bob and Jennifer Peak wielded their awesome power over their camera while patrons draped themselves in all manner of costume, courtesy of the Arts Council's theater department. It was all good fun! Of course, Samantha and I came already costumed. We're just that way. Saturday was the concert in the park... and Sunday was a fun party for Zane's birthday. We stayed up and sat around the campfire, drinking and laughing. Thank goodness Monday was a holiday!

The DSL light is still blinking. What, does the DSL troll think I'm in bed now and I don't need the computer anymore? This really tix me off. I pay good money for this thing!

I haven't gotten much work done lately. Too busy doing mundane stuff like organizing the Adopt A School program for this year, churning out precinct reports for the county Dems, revising the vendor application for the May Day Fairie FEstival, sometimes even cleaning my house! Next week should be better.... I'll post some pictures of my work here then. I have two cuff bracelets almost done -- one I'm a bit worried about because I cut it much shorter than the others. Trying to think of an alternate way to fasten it.... anyway, that's not your problem, is it!?!

So the DSL is back on, yay! Just one of the many charms of living in the sticks. although it really isn't. it's like the suburbs, only we have septic tanks. whatev.

OK, maybe it is time for bed now. Ta Ta for now!

am happy

2008-08-25T22:32:00.000-04:00

Why question happiness? I feel happy. The other two thirds of the household is upstairs, either sleeping or getting ready to be; I'm left here with the sound of mad crickets and the hum of, I guess, the air conditioner. I'm thinking back to the weekend, my older daughter spinning on the makeshift dance floor with her new band of dancers (not sure if that's a public video or not) superimposing on the reality my memory of her dancing in a pink leotard in a dance studio, her hair in a curly perm, an Annie-wanna-be. I'm never, ever, in the now. I am so decidely un-Zen. I can't look at something without ruminating over what came before. With my daughters...with a watermelon -- where did it come from, who picked it, what kind of truck did it arrive on? Listening to music, I concentrate on the melody and the lyrics but always, always, wondering what made that person create it, where it came from.

I think about the future too. What will I be in ten years? I'll be the mother of a 41-year old, and a college graduate (I hope!). It's much harder to imagine than where the watermelon came from. I vaguely remember wondering this same thing ten years ago when I was the mother of a 3 year old, the mother of a daughter moving to New York. I was working then, training people to use scheduling software at a hospital! That seems like another life. And I suppose it was. For all of us.

So soon I suppose I'll be asleep... swooping through Time and Space. I dreamed of my father the other night. Can't remember the plot. It *was* a happy dream though, I do remember that. I cling to those dreams like a kid clings to his mom's hand when being dropped off at kindergarten for the first time. I get upset when I can't remember what the dream was about when he makes an appearance. When my dad's death was imminent, I wasn't able to be with him because I had just given birth to Willa via a C-section - I wasn't allowed to travel for a week. My sisters and Phoebe went to be with him, and I asked my sister to tell my dad that I would see him in my dreams. I guess that's why I get upset when I can't remember.... The most vivid was soon after he died. I dreamed that my sisters, Phoebe, and I were caught in a barn. I *think* it was on fire. My dad, although I couldn't see him, somehow rescued us. I think he told us, through mental telepathy, how to get out.

Peace Pockets!

2008-08-20T15:09:00.001-04:00

I realize I've been distracted for quite some time from the simple art of embroidery. I've been tempted by the sumptuous textures of crazy quilting, as well as the fun that beading and embellishing promises. But I was missing the meditative quality of sitting still with just some brightly colored threads and a needle in my hand. So I was sitting there one day trying to think of something that I could do that would allow me to play with stitches... something with possibly the same design which I could use various stitches to implement... and I thought of my friend Ragtime, who has been on a quest to create 1,000 stained glass peace signs. He calls it 1000 Points of Peace...and, if you go to his website, you'll see that he's donating the proceeds toa group dedicated to eradicating domestic violence.

I've seen his studio where these peace signs are hanging, waiting for homes. In fact, I have one! I marveled at what he'd been able to do with a simple design over and over again, yet never repeating the same colors or patterns. I loved the idea of using a peace sign but it took some thinking before I thought of what I could make. Then I remembered all the jeans I had just put into a bag to deliver to Goodwill.... ok, I thought, if I remove the pockets, the jeans won't be good for anyone.But being the impulsive creature that I am, I got out my seam rippers and took the pockets off a pair of Victoria's Secret jeans that had long fallen out of favor. Three days later, there you have the results! I'm in the process of researching a peace-oriented organization that I can donate part of the proceeds....they are on my etsy.com shop which is available on the right side-bar of this blog! I'll be making more....

Summer Overview

2008-08-18T11:10:00.000-04:00

New Photos!
I'm hardly using Myspace anymore -- really folks, do you really need that crazy wallpaper on your profiles? Or that music?! I just want to know what you're doing! Anyway, that's just MO. I've been playing with Facebook, and using Blogger for my blog.... they are both streamlined to my taste. Anyway, Facebook also has this amazing utility to upload photos directly from iPhoto, so I'm putting most of my albums up there. Unfortunately, you can't see them without being a member:
My Facebook Album
This has been a really interesting summer. The beginning sucked, with Matt's being terminated at That Place (which I hear, is just dismal -- patients have told us of being hung up on when attempting to get their records transferred, having to wait for an appointment FOR AN HOUR, getting snippy responses when patients refer to Matt in a conversation... Oh well, I guess the sunlight has just gone away....) but Matt and I really learned from that experience. (If you really want to get the background, here's my one and only post about it. We learned, first and foremost, who our friends are (THANK YOU BERKELEY SPRINGS - YOU ROCK!!!!!!), and we learned that we as a couple are stronger than ever. If we could get through that crap, we can battle through just about everything. We also learned that some battles are just not worth it. Since he started in Winchester, he's got this new energy.... learning Spanish, going into the fields at migrant camps, getting a new staff to work with (oh, yeah, and THEY'RE NICE!)....once that was all in place, I felt I could breathe and really started to enjoy the summer. Willa and I had an amazing time in NY, and now it's down to the home stretch to the Fall. I have one more tiny trip to NY this weekend to see Phoebe perform, and then the week after, school starts.....
So enjoy the pictures if you like.... just a small snapshot into our summer.

My Life as a Stage Mom

2008-08-16T15:21:00.000-04:00

I have two daughters who are both into the performing arts. Phoebe is my amazing older daughter who, since she was probably 3, dreamed of one day moving to New York and making it on Broadway. I saw her through countless dance lessons at many different DC studios, school productions (she was Sandy in "Grease" in 8th grade!), and summer dinner theater shows. I always thought she was magnificent... and she is. She went off to college (University of the Arts, in Philadelphia), where she really fell in love with modern dance and made that her major. Upon graduation, she realized that part of her dream where she moved to New York -- actually, she graduated early and moved up with hardly a blink in between. She eventually joined a modern dance company... paying her dues with waitressing to make her rent. Having done that, she started realizing how much *energy* waitressing takes, and decided to make a move and became certified in Pilates, and then later, Yoga. So now she teaches and coaches all over the city, making her rent that way. But in the meantime, she goes out on every audition that sounds interesting. She's taking voice lessons to supplement her awesome dance talent. It looks like she might have a part in a show, but I don't want to jinx that so I won't mention any more! Every time she calls me to tell me she has an audition, there are two parts to my emotions:

This is it!
Oh no, please please please, let her get the part!

The stage mom thing is very interesting. I used to see the extreme form, mostly when we lived in DC where everyone and everything is about winning, winning, winning, no matter what. To some, their children's accomplishments were a direct reflection on the parents'. I didn't feel like that...Nonetheless, whenever Phoebe was passed over for something I felt she deserved, it got my hackles up a bit. I saw it for what it was: more of a protection thing - I didn't want my daughter to feel hurt -- but I moderated it within myself, as much for myself as for her. Hurt is something we must all feel, and deal with. So I would mutter my rationalizations for why I thought she was passed over, and spend some time ruminating, and at my worst, make my feelings known! But I knew, in the field that she had chosen for herself, she would have to go through more rejections than wins, so she might as well get used to it. Rough, but true. I always felt that I was *enabling* her career, rather than pushing it.

So now I have another one, my 13-year-old. She wants to go to every audition she sees in NY (and we live in West Virginia!)! She's got a powerful voice for her age, and her acting isn't bad (she's working on that, and taking dance). Phoebe had a city full of opportunities, access to a subway system that could take her to a whole world of dance studios and performance opportunities. Here, we have to drive 2 hours to a train station.... we have a community theater, but they don't always produce shows suitable for kids, and she's in competition with the adults at times for roles. She *has* had some great roles: Mary in Secret Garden, the Lead Player in Hamlet, one of the Ariels in The Tempest... We have several other community theaters within driving distance which she is eager to audition for. She went to NY for the BAA Summer Intensive where I think she learned a lot and met some very interesting people in the business. But in the meantime, all her drama seems to be sent inward, where it brews and then explodes! Or, worse, it gets directed towards something less than wholesome- we won't talk about that right now ;> She seems to handle rejection fairly well -- she was just passed over for a role in "Little Shop of Horrors" -- she really wanted to be Chiffon, but got cast in the chorus -- so I'm not too worried about that. She has the humility *and* the wisdom to take any role and learn from it, which I think is a great lesson.

Anyway, I'm proud of both of my daughters, for the life they're choosing and the way that they handle it. My heart can't help but break a little bit, though, when I think they deserve something and they don't get it. Is that so bad?!

Vivian Girls

2008-08-13T16:47:00.000-04:00

So I got totally turned on by Henry Darger while I was in NY. So I googled him, and up comes, up course! A girl band called Vivian Girls. Now wouldn't it be nice to acknowledge the artist who gave them their name? Or maybe they don't know about the Vivian Girls, let me quote from Slate:

Darger collected clippings on the subject of little girls, murdered and otherwise, and went on to write and illustrate a truly amazing, Scheherazadean 15,145-page epic about seven cute prepubescent sisters being tortured by brutish men who like to capture little girls in order to enslave them and torture them and take their clothes off. In the course of Darger's story--titled The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is Known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinnean War Storm, Caused by the Child Slave Rebellion--the sisters (the Vivian Girls) manage to escape from the men (the Glandelinians) time and time again, but countless less fortunate girl-slaves are spectacularly mutilated and slaughtered along the way.

I can't tell you how strange it was to wander through the Museum of American Folk Art looking at these paintings. First of all, Darger often painted his story-pictures on long rolls of paper, so you feel like you're reading a comic strip. Second, he most of what he drew was not original -- he collected coloring books, photos of children, advertising images, etc. and then traced them. He also used history textbooks to trace his images of war -- I think the Civil War was his favorite -- to make the backgrounds for his battle scenes. The battle scenes are violent -- severed heads and other body parts == yet disorienting because often there are images of the Girls playing somewhere else in the painting. Also, his Girls, when pictured naked, are hermaphrodites. There were several copies of the book Darger wrote to accompany the illustrations, but they were hard to read. HEre's an excerpt, again, quoted from "Slate":

Indeed the screams and pleads of the victims could not be described, and thousands of mothers went insane over the scene, or even committed suicide. ... About nearly 56,789 children were literally cut up like a butcher does a calf, after being strangled or slain, in all ways, indeed the sights of the bloody windrows [sic], with their intestines exposed or gushed out, was a sight that no one could bear to witness without losing their reason. Hearts of children were hung up by strings to the walls of houses, so many of the bleeding bodies had been cut up that they looked as if they had gone through a machine of knives.

Yikes. And people think life is violent now! Is it strange that he cited the number 56,789 as the number of children killed, or did he use that number because it's a sequential number 5-6-7-8-9... well, that's the least of the questions I have for Mr. Darger!

I think I'll read more about him.... if anyone knows of any interesting books or websites, let me know

The Fun just Never Ends....

2008-08-10T15:53:00.001-04:00

Another fun summer night in Berkeley Springs! This is why I hate going away in the summer -- this is when all the fun stuff happens! We started out the evening in Berkeley Springs State Park, where the Morgan Arts Council was presenting another great concert. Last night it was S.T.O.R.M, a reggae band from DC. They rocked two steady sets and finally by the beginning of the second set everyone was up front dancing -- all the young kids through all the old hippies (yours truly included in that second group!). Ashley (in the picture with the band) and I were tasked with the job of circulating the silver buckets to collect donations from the crowd and people were throwing tons of money in there -- $10 and $20 bills.... that was over by 7:30 or so. Our group shepherded our assorted children to the Star theater to see Wall-E while us grownups went across the street (how convenient!) to La Luna, our local wine bar. We were a large rowdy crowd but I don't think Steve minded that much! We had a bit of fun with his new bartender... and I actually felt almost bad for the couple that was taking up "our" cozy corner, the one with the double couch and big cushy chair -- we had asked them to swap couches but they wouldn't... we ended up setting up our tables next to their romantic little corner and barraging them with our guffaws and general naughtiness (as shown in the photo of Matt playing with Angela's foot), so they may have regretted their choice -- but it was ok in the end...so the movie ended and we picked up the kids, and took some of them to our house for Willa and Katie to babysit while we furthered our fun at The Troubadour.

If you can't have fun at the Troubadour, you just can't have fun. Our friends the Tonehounds were already tearing up the place when we got there shortly after 10, but nobody was dancing! That's until we got there of course... and then you couldn't get us to sit down. Somewhere during the second set, Matt and Angela got up and did a few of Jim McCoy's tunes (She's the Best, Tryin' to Quit) and of course, their awesome version of "Jackson." We closed the bar at 12:00 and were still ready to party. So... we went on to Dinah and Carmella's place and hung out for awhile. By then I was feeling a bit subdued, so I found a comfy couch for most of the time we were there, also went out to the deck and watched falling stars. It's so dark out there in the part of the county, you can see the Milky Way....

So finally we staggered home at about 3:00. Yep, just another fun day in Berkeley Springs...

Back from New Yawk City!

2008-08-04T10:01:00.001-04:00

Back from NYC... breathing fresh air and seeing blue sky now as though for the first time... hung out at the American Museum of Folk Art... Man if you haven't dug Henry Darger and his crazy little Vivian Girls, you have to get with it. I can't fathom why I never discovered him before -- was he not at the Visionary Arts Museum == perhaps lost in all the other awesome stuff there? I ordered the movie In The Realms of the Unreal – The Mystery of Henry Darger from Netflix.... Oh also saw the Dali exhibit at MoMa. I'm almost embarressed to say that after just 2 hours I couldn't stand it anymore! The exhibit not only had fabulous paintings and sketches but also featured films he did, including one, Destino, about the love between Time (Chronos) and a beautiful mortal maiden. Can you imagine those two collaborating -- oh my. Which leads me to -- would Walt be spinning in his grave if he knew what Disney was doing NOW?! It's certainly not the fantastic production it used to be. Compare Little Mermaid IV (or whatever version they're on now) to Fantasia? Cheetah Girls to Old Yeller?? I don't think so... It seems like they, and other production houses as well, are dumbing stuff down so much and it's a shame. Is Pixar part of Disney? If so, they didn't do so badly with Wall-E, which Matt and I went to see. We liked the message -- all those fat people riding around in their motor chairs sipping slop and ordering the robots around was pretty sad/hilarious. Being awakened by a little garbage-compacting machine. Yeah, it was ok.

Of course the highlight to my NY trips always is hanging out with Phoebe. This seemed like an especially poignant trip, full of memories. FE, we were sitting in a rather splendid Italian restaurant the last night of our visit, drinking some fine cabernet. My son-in-law (the best son-in-law in the world, BTW) said something especially amusing (sorry, can't remember the line) and I just looked at Phoebe and said, you know who would've just loved Jonathan? And she said, Grandpop Bob. Yeah. Those two together + Matt woudl've been just a bit too much for the world to bear I suppose! Oh, and I'm also supposed to write about the dinner he made, the fish tacos, yes, they were to die for. The amount of cilantro was just right, the fish cooked into a lovely dirty little pile of spices, ready to shovel into a taco (I mean that in a good way) and into my hungry belly. He and Phoebe also collaborated on a lovely dinner of tapas for her friends and me which we enjoyed while watching Project Runway. What is it about watching that show while just a short subway ride from Bryant Park? It's so much more meaningful ;>.

A quick word about our place. We stayed in a cute little apartment that I sublet from a fellow I found on Craig's List -- in Hell's Kitchen. I decided staying in a hotel would be more expensive once you added in all the breakfasts etc you'd have to eat in a restaurant, not to mention the comfort factor. Well, the apt. was TINY but nice -- in fact, it didn't really feel all that claustrophobic until Matt got there on Wednesday, by which time we were barely spending any time there except to sleep and eat a quick breakfast anyway. I recommend this to anyone spending more than a few days in the city! So much more comfy, plus you get the whole NY feel of living in a real neighborhood. Hell's Kitchen was a great neighborhood - lots of restaurants, anything you want to eat, there it is! It was a 15 minute walk to Willa's studio, a 10 minute walk to Times Square (if you *really* wanted to go there!), 20 minute walk to the museums, 10 minutes to a subway.... I will definitely do this again. THANKS MARTY!

I also got to see 2 old friends. Lance, a good old high school friend, I saw the first Sunday I was there. We sat around and talked, mostly about old times and old friends, but we eventually got around to talking about what we're doing now.... I find it so difficult to describe to people who haven't seen me for 20 years what my life is like. Yeah, I'm married to a doctor. Who sings country music. Who used to be in a rock and roll band. No, I don't "work" but I help produce a fairie festival. And describing Berkeley Springs and all its quirks is impossible. Anyway, it was great seeing him, he looks good and happy! Unlike some of the people we were talking about, unfortunately.... Also had drinks with Judd, an ex-bandmate of Matt's from the Young Caucasians. He looks terrific, and is still doing music full-time, including teaching guitar to senior citizens and playing with his band in subway stations! I'd forgotton what a character he is -- so gonzo-like.

What is it about hugging old friends from your past? It's very different from hugging current friends. I remember hugging Patti when I was in Indiana and I could feel the old memories becoming energies as we embraced....

Looking back at the whole 8 days, I have to say that I was exhausted most of the time. I hate to admit that. But it was rather hot, and I find that the first few days being in that hyper city sucks the energy out of me -- I'm such an introvert, I have to learn to shield myself from all of that somehow. The third day I was there, I tried to have some fun down in the garment district looking for beads and stuff, but after about an hour everything started looking the same. The last shop I went into had a large jar of sequins and other findings on the counter -- "LOOK! ALL THIS FOR JUST $30!" I grabbed it plus a few baggies of gorgeous baubles.... while paying, I thought, OK, you just spent $30 on sequins, I think it's time to go home. So I did. I lay on the couch and watched about 3 hours of TV and napped!

Other fun random moments -- having beers in Riverside Park... walking through Central Park ... catching the Naked Cowboy in Times Square.... watching both my girls taking a dance class at Luigi's Studio...laughing wildly (to my great surprise!) during the movie version of "Mama Mia" (Pierce Brosnan singing almost sent me through the roof)....

Well look at that. It's almost 10:00. I have stuff to do! I promised Max I would take him for a walk, and then I have to do my regular workout. Haven't eaten breakfast yet! So that's it for now.... write and tell me what YOU'RE doing....

Not Too Bad

2008-06-25T19:48:00.000-04:00

I got to work today, and found I was feeling a bit looser. I listened to music, intent on finding references to the Night, Moon, and Light to inspire me since this bracelet has a Night theme.... I kept hearing Jimi Hendrix in my mind singing "Shine on, shine on," but I think it's actually him singing "Sail on, sail on" during "Little Wing...?" Anyway, I decided the lettering I'll do on this piece will say "Shine On".... it's a good thing to say, right?

I started adding a spider, and she's hiding in a "web" i made out of a bit of lace that my mom brought over to me awhile ago. It's lace that she used to make my ballerina costume when I was just four years old! I danced solo to a piece called "Delightfully Dainty" and I remember being scared to death. My teacher was in the wings, walking me through my piece as I danced it on stage. I remember my hair was pinned up on my head and it was TIGHT! At any rate, the lace is making a delightful web for my little spider.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get my Green Girl order in the mail. If you haven't ever seen this woman's work, and you're looking for something special to embellish your work or use in your jewelry, check her out! I ordered a bat and an owl to put on my new cuff bracelet. I'm hoping to be done with it tomorrow or the next day, so I will post a photo here!

It was a fairly relaxing day, which is good because I was totally exhausted from staying up so late last night and waking so early. I don't know what is going on with my internal clock, except I'm probably still goofed up from Willa being home from school. Anyway, the weather is spectacular, breezy with no humidity so I went out and admired the blossoms. the hollyhocks are doing great this year!

Also got another call from one of Matt's former patients. This one is a long-time patient with 4 kids who said she had to wait 45 minutes to see a practitioner today, who then acted uppity when she (the patient) expressed having a problem with waiting that long. She told me she can't wait for Matt to start working at his new practice. I think I get at least one call a day from someone. Of course, we're not "allowed" to call his former patients (it's a violation of the contract that THEY terminated, but we're just tryin' to get along!) so it's nice that these folks take the time to look us up in the phone book. It's a bit of a drive to Winchester, but it looks like quite a few of these people are going to do it -- I hope they can at least carpool! It took me $55 to fill up my tank yesterday!!!!

Tomorrow I have chauffeur duties for Willa, who has her drama coaching and a hair appointment so I may not get to work as much as I would like. Then tomorrow evening is the Democrats meeting. Anyway, it's all good stuff so it's worth it!

Artist Block

2008-06-25T10:21:00.000-04:00

I am having the most fierce of creative blocks. I have plenty to blame but that's not really the point is it?

school is out and the Wee One is constantly around
the husband's also around, waiting for his new job to start
the situation leading up to #2 had me crazy for awhile

I had been making my wonderful new cuff bracelets, and they were selling as quickly as I could make them. Now I can't make a stitch without doubting every one of them. I know my eyes are changing. I compare the stitchery I used to do (single-stranded, incredibly detailed to the point of people calling it "needle-painting), to the more utilitarian, seam-covering stitching that I now do in Crazy-quilting. I *want* to do the more detailed stuff. My eyes are changing: when I'm wearing my contacts (mostly for far-sightedness), I need to wear reading glasses to stitch and read. Without my contacts, I can see perfectly for stitching. I got one of those Ott lamps for working (I LOVE IT!). I think I need to draw and sketch more, because no longer do I know *what* to stitch. I used to love to draw with colored pens... Is this making any sense?
Anyway, in order to give some idea of what I'm talking about, I've scanned a recent stitchery here, as well as an older one. This recent one is a work in progress, my latest cuff. Compare the moon to the one on the older stitchery that I made my dad and his wife for their anniversary some 16 years ago....granted, the first one was stitched onto muslin, a more appropriate embroidery medium; the more recent one is done on velvet.
Any thoughts?

Magic in the Air

2008-06-23T20:47:00.000-04:00

What is that smell in the air just before a storm? Tonight the wind can't decide which direction to blow -- it's chasing its tail. The air blows balm over my skin.. who knows where on on whom it caressed before me. The palms in the Caribbean? A mountain climber on Mt. Everest? Or maybe a drunk laying in the gutter in Anacostia. I got out the big container of bubbles I bought at the dollar store the other day. I loaded up the wand and stood in the wind, first one way, then the other. What a delight! I sent the wind a present into the trees, into the clouds. Maybe a few even made it up to the silver jet, on its way to calmer skies. I spun and spun, stopping only to watch my handiwork.
Now it's as though a lavender transparency has been laid over my window. Everything is softly muted, as the sun slowly sets and the clouds gather. Will the moon sail tonight? Will my dreams settle softly over my everyday thoughts, or crash loudly onto my brow?
My dog looks up at me and thumps his tail. All is well.

More fun in Berkeley Springs

2008-06-22T13:10:00.000-04:00

Ah, at last I feel as though the Summer is stretching lazily before me. The drama is going away like a really really bad dream that lasted 6 weeks....
Last night we attended Frog Valley Artisans annual Solstice party. This celebration is always as warm as the season that it marks. Plenty of wonderful, creative people, old friends and new, incredible food and fun things to look at and do. My mom, Becky Gaiser and I followed the trail down to the river, marked by candles. We all left before the Bardic Circle, but next year I vow to stay and participate! Angela, Mark, and Veronica are to be commended for the atmosphere that they foster out there. Were the rest of the world to follow their example of sharing peace and beauty, what a wonderful world it would be!

So today it's on to the Jim Jam out at the Troubadour! This is an annual gathering of all the folks who have ever played with Jim McCoy -- and some that haven't! I plan on going for a few hours, but Matt will probably be out there all day. Here's another example of art bringing people of all walks of life together: the rednecks, the hippies, the righties and the lefties, the Morgan County old-timers and the newbies.

I'm listening to the Angel Band. We first heard this trio at the DelFest in Cumberland a few weeks ago It's fronted by Nancy Josephson, David Bromberg's wife, and besides being a singer, she's also a voodoo priestess and artist.. I first encountered her artwork at the American Visionary Arts Museum in Baltimore, where she had an installation of her voodoo art -- it was amazing. She had an entire bedroom installation where every single inch of the room was sequined. It burned by eyes, but in a good way!

Well, time to go live the day rather than writing about yesterday's day.... although now it's looking a bit overcast. Hoping the thunder waits until after the Jim Jam is over!

.... Let Love RULE

Finally

2008-06-21T11:31:00.000-04:00

Finally this is ending. We're ready to start Matt's next phase in his career. He'll be practicing at the Winchester Family Practice center, part of the Shenandoah Community Health System. Why, look at that! They have a website! That in itself is an improvement over "the old place" as we'll call it. He's very excited. He'll be working with a migrant farm population part of the year, so he's brushing up on his Spanish. Until he gets totally credentialed for Winchester, he'll be filling in at the Martinsburg location. Oh, I am so glad this is over. I would feel bad for the people still at "the old place" but hey, they did nothing to help themselves so they can stay there and listen to Darth Vader's threats and remain victims. It's their loss! I feel bad for his patients, the ones that won't be able to travel to Winchester. He really did spoil them.
Oh well! It's onward AND upward.
If you want to read some of the background of this sad story, here is a link to a Google News search or just take a look at these:
May 14 Hagerstown Herald article
May 30 Hagerstown Herald article
May 30 Cumberland Times article